To make an end is to start a beginning

The first day of the year and although it looks a bit gloomy and dark outside I know this is a day to begin what I was waiting so long to start.

It's never easy to say good bye but its always easy to embrace new things and it is time to embrace and embrace whole heartedly. I forgive everyone this time around including myself who has hurt and been hurt... cried complained and laughed my heart out...

There is a feeling of joy in my heart I know that this year things are about to change and change for good. So here it is to new beginnings old friends, new friends, family and an awesome career ahead...

Happy New Year!!!

Sunshine

The other night dear, as I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms
But when I awoke, dear, I was mistaken
So I hung my head and I cried.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

I'll always love you and make you happy,
If you will only say the same.
But if you leave me and love another,
You'll regret it all some day:

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

You told me once, dear, you really loved me
And no one else could come between.
But not you've left me and love another;
You have shattered all of my dreams:

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

In all my dreams, dear, you seem to leave me
When I awake my poor heart pains.
So when you come back and make me happy
I'll forgive you dear, I'll take all the blame.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

My heart felt like the a humming bird fast as fast can be... intense and then I woke up to find what had happened only in my dreams for awhile... she was there standing in front of me asking me how I feel... Could this be real? What do you do when your hear still skips a beat... when your heart still feels the same in a way that you cannot explain.. Is this insane...

Now that could really be a thought... but could it... but then again this is a blog and who says everything that I write in this has to be true... hehehehehehe...

But yes I am super happy today and also super duper excited because just got confirmation that my entry is in.. so now I just have to wait for the verdict... I just want to be there for the festival no matter what MOFILMS.. come on I know I can break through this cycle... breathe breathe breathe... Pray pray pray... and lets home that just like my fantasy about someone showing up beside in the morning... this one comes true too...

you

Tum ho
Tum ho paas mere
Saath mere ho
Tum yun
Jitna mehsoos karoon
Utna hi paa bhi loon

Tum ho mere liye
Mere liye ho tum yun
Khud ko main haar gaya
Tum ko, tukmko main jeeta hoon

Oooh ho....
Tum ho
hmmm....
Aaah haa aa...

Kahin se kahin ko bhi
Aao bewajah chale
Poochhe bina kisi se
Hum mile

Bandishe naa rahi koi baaqi
Tum ho
Tum ho paas mere, saath mere ho
Tum yun
Jitna mehsoos karooon tumko, utna hi paa bhi loon
Ooooh hoo hoo...

Kis tarah chheenega aa mujh se ye jahaan tumhe
Tum bhi ho main
Kya fiqar ab humein

Tum ho mere liye
Mere liye ho tum yun
Khud ko main haar gaya
Tum ko, Tumko main jeeta hoon
Ooooh hoo ho...

Tum ho
Hoo aa....

There is no winning in the arena that I am in there is only being... Being there to look at what is mine... Yes away from all this there will be a field and in that field I will come hold your hand... I will see you there and look into your eyes that will be without fear or doubt look into the eyes that will only be for me... I am not afraid of the world when i look at you because its only you that I see and not the world because my world is in you...

And until that day... you will always be... just be... mine...

The emptiness of being me

Finally after days I sit down to write... SO many things have gone down in the last couple of days but I do not know where to start... My heart and mind have all been jumbled up like this huge traffic in the city where I cannot really focus on one thing because the noise is too loud and if I do want to concentrate on one thing I get distracted by the vehicles around me... This has been the state of my life and I know my life is crazier than ever...

As my mother is telling me how upset she is with me for not showing coming home in days and not informing her I am quietly in my head trying to figure out where I was 2 nights before I really have no clue.. I have no recollection and I am thinking hard I know where I was last night but I do not know where I was the night before... NO.. no idea no sign of anything in my head its blank... I really could not remember I thought to myself what the hell and then I tried to back trace my whole night.. So New Orelans, Moods, Lobsters, 1905 and then... shit no way... Fuck me! that is what I thought... not there really and then it all came back the whole conversation the whole... craziness and all of a sudden I think I need a DRINK!!!

So now this whole madness starts clicking my head and I am actually having an arguement with self with my mother still saying something to me... And then this whole noise builds up in my head like I can hear 10 voices at the same time and my head is about to explode... As the noise gets bigger and bigger I keep thinking... I go into my room and shut my eyes tight just to push out all the noise in my head... Can't get rid of it... and then something moves on my feet.. Its Simba... the noise for a moment was gone... he distracted me... I play with him for a while and I seem to forget about the noise and my want for a drink early in the morning...

Its easy to distract me I think... but I wish there was always something or someone that would pop out of no where when I get distraught like this... "Don't get carried away... Nilu Don't get Carried away... " These words keep repeating themselves in my head... like I have nothing but a record in my head playing with words.. words of you... no... words of me... or maybe just plain words...

Why do I get attached to people? I do not know why I care about people so much that I do eventually end up hurting myself... I befriend people and then once I start caring about them it just gets to me... All I thought I was doing was protecting a friend but then I guess that is not how it works in this part of the world.

I have to keep explaining myself to everyone, why can't I just care for someone without having feeling for her or having anything physical between us... but apparently this was not something that I had to tell others this was the same thing I had to tell my friend when I got upset watching her make-out with some man we hardly knew...

I was protecting her but she fired back at me saying "I am not your girlfriend that you tell me what to do and what not to do" she was right... who was I to say anything to her she had the right to do what she wanted and I had the right to do what I wanted.. but as a friend would it be so wrong for me to be protective...

I do not go home I go with her so that she does not get into trouble but then she picks a fight with me instead for trashing her for making out with some dude we just met and she has the audacity to walk out on me... leaving me at this unknown guys house and for her to just go and leave with that guy and not to forget his fuck buddy who was with him... fuck that shit... I am better than this... I admit i called her a slut but for pete's sake she was acting like one... UUUURRRGGGGHHHH......

anyway good this thing happened... I don't know what I was thinking doing all these stupid things with these girls who aren't even worth my time at the end of the day and I cant believe that I actually liked her... Uff my head needs to be examined...

And I need to lower down my alcohol intake... I do not know why but recently I have been drinking so much that every morning I wake up being sick to my stomach .. and I throw up in the morning not the night that I was drinking but in the morning I really have no control over it... and this does not happen to me at all...

I can't eat properly because I am so hungover and m not a hangover person at all... I think I am emotionally unstable or I am having too much fun either of the 2 its not cool for the time being so I m cutting down on everything and m just going to concentrate on work for the moment... I need to get back on set and sit behind the monitor and direct some good shit...

I watched "Rockstar" yesterday, my favorite director and I thought to myself as I watched the movie that this is exactly what I want to be doing and not just that... the whole thing the whole movie all of Imtiyaz's movies how I relate to them is insane... It probably is the intensity in the characters that I think I a can relate to or is it all his girls that remind of the girl that I have been in love with either way... "Rockstar" was very good but also painful at the same time... Jordan the lead characters search for pain so that he could feel something and the selfishness that he had to look for pain so that he could be like the people he idolizes was pretty crazy but the pain that he felt after looking for what he really looked for and when he got everything that he wanted his constant epiphany that he had time and again was intense...

He looked for pain and he got it and he also looked for fame and he got it... but in the end this is not what he wanted all along... can love really make a person so crazy that he could leave everything that he has and had just for that one moment that he can find in her arms and could it be that even if you are there for everything and you do not meet for so long.. your heart is still holds on to that single thread that was joined once upon a time... could it be that I could still be in love with a girl what has moved on breaking my heart several times... could it be that there is nothing I want still but to hold her one last time and just die in her arms because I do not what to be away from her... "Don't get carried away, its just a movie"

I smile... I cry.. I want... I dont.. why me... so fickle so easy to break... but so strong.. so stupid.. so wise... so calm ... so hyper why am I like this... I don't know but this is my life and this is me...

I sit down to write today but then again my head is clear... clear as in there are no thoughts in it.. or maybe there are but nothing that I want to write about.. but then this is a blog that I created .. anyway m bored i do not want to write anymore... hehheehhe

OMFG

OMFG is what happens to you when you just keep partying for almost a whole Freaking month and do not know how to get back to reality... Eh hehehehehhe

No but on the real side of the story I think I learned so much from life this past month. I do not know why I was going over and over around the same thing to just make me feel more miserable.

I got an email from a friend of mine after she read my blog.. she asked me not to be so sad amd gloomy because most of the changes that we want out life actually depends on us itself... I thought about it and it was true my friend so got married in Darjeeling and that is where all the madness started for me kept telling me all the time that if I wanted the situation in my life to change I had to be the change itself because I cannot let others or circumstances control the whole thing.

I do know for a fact that I am a pleasant person but I just had to learn to be pleasant and happy inside. It not about forgetting or forgiving others but for me it was more to do with forgiving myself and I think I just did and I emerged as a new person almost the same that I was years ago but just better.

I will not deny the fact but yes there was a certain facade that came along with me being me . But finally I think I am in that zone where I can let go of all of that just be myself. I am so blessed to have so many people around me who really do genuinely care about me that I do not know and understand why I was being so shattered trying to get attention from only one..

Its all about ease and the trust and security in yourself. These past couple of days after seeing and testing myself once again I realize that I have not lost all. The only reason why I was so upset and so grim earlier was only because I was not looking at the whole picture I was just so concentrated on one that I almost ruined my relationship with the whole wide world and her itself.

The whole partying scene and the craziness also made me realize how important I am to my friends and family and also to myself. I did everything possible this past couple of days, got drunk like crazy , laughed like crazy, hooked up with 2 girls, made amends with an old friend, didn't go home for days at the stretch, was in the same bed with... got sick to my stomach at a hotel room in Thamel, almost fainted, thought I would die, did a tripple ride on a bike all night in thamel, almost got caught by the police but still survived it all.

I think now I am more clearer on what I want to do in life and how to get about it. I am shedding finally all the luggage that I was carrying earlier from everything that had happened to me before and all that, now my bag is empty and it is time to just fill it with things what are gonna make my life worth while. I do not want to lead a meaningless life. I want to be the one who makes it happen for me.

There is so much energy in me so many new places to explore new places and new people to meet and I am not going to just sit and wait for things to happen to me. I am going to make a move and really make things happen.

Its time to be the person that I was meant to be. Be the friend that I was meant to be. Be the daughter that I was meant to be. Be the lover that I was meant to be. Be the Filmmaker that I was meant to be. Its time to be me.

Time

There was a time when we were in love

There was a time when you cared as much

There was a time when we had enough

There was a time when you saw across, above and under

There was a time a time that was there to stand witness

To the ruthless split of soul from right in the middle

Where you ripped out my heart and tried to burn it

You ripped out your soul and sold it

But today I put a brand new heart

Hurting aching making sure I do not forget the times

Times when you hurt me and tried to burn me like I was nothing but something that you bought in the market...

I cared for you, smiled for you cried for you just to be slapped in the face with words and that slickly sliced right in to my eye...

Making me blind

Blind enough to not see anything but only feel

so now I replaced my eyes too

In the same place so that I can see but without forgetting how you hit me...

I keep my scars open to salt so that every time you say something sweet I know its gonna hurt

There was a time when you asked me " will You always love me like this?"

I answered yes always only to know that I would be the only one loving you like this while you go into the arms of another and ask the same question over and over to another and then another

There was a time...

But time don't wait for no body and I roll with the times

I move forward in time with time but never forgetting what is behind

Ashes of my burnt heart which I gave you so willingly only to realize that you would spit in it

There was a time and that time is no more.

Just the same way that you are no more.

Just the same way that I am no more.