Ask and you Shall Receive!!!

Many a times I have thought... What can I do to better myself as a person as a friend as a business partner and as a lover, I keep telling myself that this time this is what I am NOT going to do, this is what I will avoid... this is what I will NOT do after I get drunk... this is what I will NOT do to her this is what I will NOT do with my money and guess what... that is exactly WHAT I DO!!!

How great is that... I and God have had this understanding till now... Ask and you Shall Receive!! that is what he told me and I have always believed in it... However as with all business deals there is always a catch... I think he has given me specific instructions for me not to ask for the one I love... because if I do that I push everything else away... and when I don't have that everything else I am pretty much useless... to me or to anyone...

I always thought I was a hopeless romantic but I think he played his trick on me and now I just think that I am a hopeless DRAMATIC!!!

Drama... good lord ... could I be able to create more drama in my life then I already have!!! Do I really need this... I don't think so... So God Damn It... I have to stop being so dramatic about everything...

I thought I really loved... But do I??? My point is... Is there a selfless kind of a love... Why is it that I feel that that big guy up there is only trying hurt me more by pulling me down in places... Fate puts us together all the time... and that is shitty... I wish he would stop playing these stupid mind games on me.... I am not even asking for love this time around... I just want to be left alone and be happy... I want to see the love of my life happy... without having to humiliate myself all the time and creating more drama when I really don't need any...

I, for many have end up being a friend of convenience and I really don't mind the feeling until I feel it... God I am asking you to not let me feel these things... If that is what you want me to end up being like then fine... I have no problem being a friend of convenience just don't make me see it... I hate that feeling of having to do so much for nothing at all... Am I complaining??? I for the life in me have no clue if I am... and even if I am who is there to listen to me... I am nothing .... I just am a nobody that people call for then they feel like they have nobody... so that makes me that nobody.... OK I think I am getting out of line again... I hate love...

No I don't hate love... I just like the thought of being like this I guess... Maybe I am a sadist... who likes the pain of being painful... I think I may have got up on the wrong side of bed today...

But I have made a pact to myself I will never ask God ( yes you... Big guy up there) Lets just stick to our deal... I will never ask you for love ever... But thank you for giving me all that I have asked for so far really... it has worked... Ask and you Shall receive... I like you God... Just do one more favor for me... never let me fall in love again...