As my mother is telling me how upset she is with me for not showing coming home in days and not informing her I am quietly in my head trying to figure out where I was 2 nights before I really have no clue.. I have no recollection and I am thinking hard I know where I was last night but I do not know where I was the night before... NO.. no idea no sign of anything in my head its blank... I really could not remember I thought to myself what the hell and then I tried to back trace my whole night.. So New Orelans, Moods, Lobsters, 1905 and then... shit no way... Fuck me! that is what I thought... not there really and then it all came back the whole conversation the whole... craziness and all of a sudden I think I need a DRINK!!!
So now this whole madness starts clicking my head and I am actually having an arguement with self with my mother still saying something to me... And then this whole noise builds up in my head like I can hear 10 voices at the same time and my head is about to explode... As the noise gets bigger and bigger I keep thinking... I go into my room and shut my eyes tight just to push out all the noise in my head... Can't get rid of it... and then something moves on my feet.. Its Simba... the noise for a moment was gone... he distracted me... I play with him for a while and I seem to forget about the noise and my want for a drink early in the morning...
Its easy to distract me I think... but I wish there was always something or someone that would pop out of no where when I get distraught like this... "Don't get carried away... Nilu Don't get Carried away... " These words keep repeating themselves in my head... like I have nothing but a record in my head playing with words.. words of you... no... words of me... or maybe just plain words...
Why do I get attached to people? I do not know why I care about people so much that I do eventually end up hurting myself... I befriend people and then once I start caring about them it just gets to me... All I thought I was doing was protecting a friend but then I guess that is not how it works in this part of the world.
I have to keep explaining myself to everyone, why can't I just care for someone without having feeling for her or having anything physical between us... but apparently this was not something that I had to tell others this was the same thing I had to tell my friend when I got upset watching her make-out with some man we hardly knew...
I was protecting her but she fired back at me saying "I am not your girlfriend that you tell me what to do and what not to do" she was right... who was I to say anything to her she had the right to do what she wanted and I had the right to do what I wanted.. but as a friend would it be so wrong for me to be protective...
I do not go home I go with her so that she does not get into trouble but then she picks a fight with me instead for trashing her for making out with some dude we just met and she has the audacity to walk out on me... leaving me at this unknown guys house and for her to just go and leave with that guy and not to forget his fuck buddy who was with him... fuck that shit... I am better than this... I admit i called her a slut but for pete's sake she was acting like one... UUUURRRGGGGHHHH......
anyway good this thing happened... I don't know what I was thinking doing all these stupid things with these girls who aren't even worth my time at the end of the day and I cant believe that I actually liked her... Uff my head needs to be examined...
And I need to lower down my alcohol intake... I do not know why but recently I have been drinking so much that every morning I wake up being sick to my stomach .. and I throw up in the morning not the night that I was drinking but in the morning I really have no control over it... and this does not happen to me at all...
I can't eat properly because I am so hungover and m not a hangover person at all... I think I am emotionally unstable or I am having too much fun either of the 2 its not cool for the time being so I m cutting down on everything and m just going to concentrate on work for the moment... I need to get back on set and sit behind the monitor and direct some good shit...
I watched "Rockstar" yesterday, my favorite director and I thought to myself as I watched the movie that this is exactly what I want to be doing and not just that... the whole thing the whole movie all of Imtiyaz's movies how I relate to them is insane... It probably is the intensity in the characters that I think I a can relate to or is it all his girls that remind of the girl that I have been in love with either way... "Rockstar" was very good but also painful at the same time... Jordan the lead characters search for pain so that he could feel something and the selfishness that he had to look for pain so that he could be like the people he idolizes was pretty crazy but the pain that he felt after looking for what he really looked for and when he got everything that he wanted his constant epiphany that he had time and again was intense...
He looked for pain and he got it and he also looked for fame and he got it... but in the end this is not what he wanted all along... can love really make a person so crazy that he could leave everything that he has and had just for that one moment that he can find in her arms and could it be that even if you are there for everything and you do not meet for so long.. your heart is still holds on to that single thread that was joined once upon a time... could it be that I could still be in love with a girl what has moved on breaking my heart several times... could it be that there is nothing I want still but to hold her one last time and just die in her arms because I do not what to be away from her... "Don't get carried away, its just a movie"
I smile... I cry.. I want... I dont.. why me... so fickle so easy to break... but so strong.. so stupid.. so wise... so calm ... so hyper why am I like this... I don't know but this is my life and this is me...
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