New Family member

My son Simba arrived today, he is a pure breed Lhasa Apso, just one glance and I fell in love with him. He has the tiniest feet ever and he is just so much joy to be around and as he sleeps next to me I just look forward to all the little joy that he is going to bring in the family. This little one that I just met I know that I love him already. Welcome to the family Simba Sherpa.

Happy

In this ever so changing world of thoughts and emotions... why does one struggle to find stability when in the head somewhere we know that stability really does not exist...

hmm that now my friend is a thought world pondering upon... suddenly over the days I feel a sudden change of heart... I thought it would not be possible but somehow now my memory of things seems to be fading away as I walk into new spheres everyday. Change of heart... strong word although still very cheesy but then true...

When I was a younger I used to hate papaya I always thought that it was the worst fruit ever but these days I seem to have grown a fondness for it that I can seriously say that it is among my top 5 of fruits. I used to love watermelon it was my favourite as a child but not NOPE!!! don't seem to like it.. and the same I think has happened to my heart... Lots of changes around me and some how I think I am getting used to this new life of mine... Just have to remember that I cannot let myself go off emotionally or get too attached to people ... not that could cause some trouble... as long as a person stays sanely detached everything is ok...

Note to self: detached should not be confused with spending more time with only self... and also should learn to detach from self... this way its a balance... equal respect for self results in equal respect from others...

I am happy these days... I have learned to be happy in tiny things in life and I think that is the best thing that has come off my life in the past couple of days... People are just like seasons they change one just has to learn how to adjust with them in all seasons because all seasons aren't the same but all of them have a certain charm about it...

I feel like there is sunshine coming back into my life now... and I am grateful to everyone in my life who has made it possible... there is at the end of the day hope for all... if there is hope for me... I have never felt so reliable on my heart as I do now... because after years I think it has finally come to its senses... :)

Now its only a matter of time that I set straight all the wrongs in my life ... and the first one began from forgiving myself for all the wrongs... now its only going to be good from here on....

This is me

So, someone told me today that what they love most about me is the fact that I have this attitude of just being who I am ... Unapologetic attitude "This is me" and that is what she loves most about me...

I thought about it and then I realized that being me I have nothing to be apologetic about because that would probably be the worse thing to do to self... be apologetic for who you are... thank god I am not...

And if you are "anyone but me" (this web series that I am hooked on to...not the point here but I meant the actual phrase not the series... webiries is it called ... don't know but a nice series about teenage lezzies battling love and the likes besides having sex all the time like rabbits... I mean is that even valid... how can you be in high school and have so much sex... especially if you are not even living in a hostel... anyway I am getting way far away from the topic here... )

So if you are anyone but me you would know that ... I am a sorry ass apolegetic person actually just doing eveything wrong and trying to get things right or just feeling so effing annoyed with self that I inflict pain on self... but well this girl doensn't know what well not until she will start reading my posts... which are very vague and random.

I was thinking today that maybe I should start writing notes to self once I start to read or hear something that is interesting... note to self that should be exciting and interesting...

Note to self: Its getting hotter everyday in Kathmandu but thank god that there is still electricity and that is why I can still scribble on my blog...

that was not good note to self ...

Okay so let me talk about being Gay just the use of the word feels better than lesbian since I am the only lesbian who exists in Nepal. and no I did not say this ... this exactly what I get from people when I tell them I am lesbian.... well pretty crazy I must be to be a lezzie who has never dated or so the tiny world that I live in would like to think... or better yet think that I am doing every girl who sits in in my sight.. well that sure proves that this people have hindsight lol... no I do not date all girls who fall in front of me....

So anyway this time I have decided that i will not be dating anymore straight girls or girls who are into boys lol... I am going to be straight up... Gay...

hmmm makes sense...

Note to self: do not take calls in between writing blogs because you loose track of what you are doing.... actually what you are writing...

Shit lost track now....

Fiction 1

I open my eyes to a new day. A new day without her. I lay awake in a familiar zone with an unfamiliar feeling. The feeling of being without. What should be my next step I don't now.

"I have never really done this alone or be alone without her", I think in my head.

My phone is vibrating beside me,

"who would call me in this early hour I think, cannot be her or could it" I cannot see my phone but I can feel it.

"What a metaphor" I think again.

The phone stops vibrating. I try to shut my eyes tight like it would let the feeling fade away. I open it. The feeling is still there.

As I force myself out of my bed. I feel a thud on the floor. My phone. I pick it up.

"1 missed call"

" I hope its you" I think again.

"Mother" its says now on my display.

"Great! Now I have to call her back... Shit"

This thought seems to linger in my head.

"What did I get up for" I felt dizzy.

"Shower, Yes I need a shower badly"

I walk through my room which looks like it has been hit by a hurricane. Even as I walk through the room with tired and squinted eyes I know I can see even in the the broken pieces that lie on the floor as an aftermath of my "too much drinking habit" just the way she said it. I could feel the painful love that kept us together and apart.

Apart a funny word, apart as in far and a part as in a part of each other. This was not an easy relationship we always knew it but we said we would do it as long as we could. And we did maybe cut short time and again by many things but a very toxic love none the less.

Toxic because we destroyed each other and when that didn't work we almost destroyed ourselves.

This is me and this is my story.

One step at a time

Sometimes I don't understand how I let myself go. How I let things get so far that I do not recognise myself.

I think I was never like this but then again I do not remember myself. I feel like nothing can satisfy me I have in insatiable thirst in me which I look to quench. Quench? But what? I know that there is a thirst in me but how will I quench it when I do not know what I thirst for...

For a long part of it I thought it was because I longed for love? but is it? It took a long hard look into myself, the true me... what is it? Who am I ?

Who am I ? and then I got stuck because I really didn't know who I am. Its sad I think but then again I also know the person who is responsible, the one who has brought me to this place that I am today. I look for people and reasons to blame it on and then I looked into the mirror and found the person to be blamed for this.

Me... This is the same me that at one point of time I so prided on. I was proud of myself earlier, I knew that I would do great things in my life, I knew the purpose of being here. But today when I look into the mirror I did not recognize this person that I had become over the years.

Now I see a person who is exactly the kind of person that I never wanted to end up being. I went from being the popular girl to the girl that no one wants to hangout with. I blame no one for this but myself. The constant want and need to be wanted and needed wrecked me.

I know for a fact today that even if I die this very moment no one would be bothered or affected. The sad part is that I even think about dying.

I do not like the person that I have become today. I have always said that if I don't enjoy my own company then how can I expect others to enjoy my company.

But this me will not last long. I know for a fact that I only have 2 choices in front of me and that is either I carry on this way or I take a u turn and change my life around.

I ended up at a friends place after midnight one of these wreckless nights. I do not remember anything about that night well atleast not much of it. When I woke up in the morning I really had no idea how I ended up there. Then I realised that I had climbed a wall and jumped over it. This wall was tall and it had sharp fence on top of it so it prevents anyone from coming in.

In my drunkardness I had climbed over it tore open my jeans and jumped off it. What's the point? Because in the morning I couldn't figure out for myself how I got there. I lay awake in the sofa outside for a long time trying to recall what had happened. Then I saw my pair of shoes parked nicely outside my friend's bedroom looking dirty and desperate.

What had become of me.. I felt like that pair of shoes I looked dirty and desperate. I had no right to just barge in someone's house like that. That morning my friend wouldn't even talk to me. I tried to be as normal as I could.

I jumped into the shower as soon as I reached home and I realised that not only was my pants torn but I had bruises and cuts everywhere. Then I realised how wreckless I had become. I would have died that night for all I know. I could have slipped on the fence while climbing over it and just plunged myself in to sharp ends. As I thought about the wall I knew that I would have easily broken my leg had I landed differently. What had I done to myself. I didn't recognise myself anymore.

I can't even think of calling my friend and apologising because I have just done that too many times. I need to save myself now and I realise it. But how do I save myself? I want to I really do.

I hope that everyday I find the strength and courage in me to face myself. I don't want to run anymore. I just want my life back. One step at a time.

Wreckless

Wreckless

I am wreckless

I wish I was faceless

I wish I was heartless

Just so I would be okay with being wreckless

Drenched my blood in alcohol

Tried to soothe my soul

Dripped salt on my open wounds

Until I went numb

The numbness did not help

Stumbled across every step

Told my self I was great

Until the soul in me disappeared

I am wreckless

I wish I was faceless

I wish I was heartless

Just so I would be okay with being wreckless

Looked around

and stood alone

I felt the air

But this time it was empty

Lost in me I just failed

With my heart on my sleeve

It just pained

Until I felt wreckless

I am wreckless

I wish I was faceless

I wish I was heartless

Just so I would be okay with being wreckless