OMFG

OMFG is what happens to you when you just keep partying for almost a whole Freaking month and do not know how to get back to reality... Eh hehehehehhe

No but on the real side of the story I think I learned so much from life this past month. I do not know why I was going over and over around the same thing to just make me feel more miserable.

I got an email from a friend of mine after she read my blog.. she asked me not to be so sad amd gloomy because most of the changes that we want out life actually depends on us itself... I thought about it and it was true my friend so got married in Darjeeling and that is where all the madness started for me kept telling me all the time that if I wanted the situation in my life to change I had to be the change itself because I cannot let others or circumstances control the whole thing.

I do know for a fact that I am a pleasant person but I just had to learn to be pleasant and happy inside. It not about forgetting or forgiving others but for me it was more to do with forgiving myself and I think I just did and I emerged as a new person almost the same that I was years ago but just better.

I will not deny the fact but yes there was a certain facade that came along with me being me . But finally I think I am in that zone where I can let go of all of that just be myself. I am so blessed to have so many people around me who really do genuinely care about me that I do not know and understand why I was being so shattered trying to get attention from only one..

Its all about ease and the trust and security in yourself. These past couple of days after seeing and testing myself once again I realize that I have not lost all. The only reason why I was so upset and so grim earlier was only because I was not looking at the whole picture I was just so concentrated on one that I almost ruined my relationship with the whole wide world and her itself.

The whole partying scene and the craziness also made me realize how important I am to my friends and family and also to myself. I did everything possible this past couple of days, got drunk like crazy , laughed like crazy, hooked up with 2 girls, made amends with an old friend, didn't go home for days at the stretch, was in the same bed with... got sick to my stomach at a hotel room in Thamel, almost fainted, thought I would die, did a tripple ride on a bike all night in thamel, almost got caught by the police but still survived it all.

I think now I am more clearer on what I want to do in life and how to get about it. I am shedding finally all the luggage that I was carrying earlier from everything that had happened to me before and all that, now my bag is empty and it is time to just fill it with things what are gonna make my life worth while. I do not want to lead a meaningless life. I want to be the one who makes it happen for me.

There is so much energy in me so many new places to explore new places and new people to meet and I am not going to just sit and wait for things to happen to me. I am going to make a move and really make things happen.

Its time to be the person that I was meant to be. Be the friend that I was meant to be. Be the daughter that I was meant to be. Be the lover that I was meant to be. Be the Filmmaker that I was meant to be. Its time to be me.

Time

There was a time when we were in love

There was a time when you cared as much

There was a time when we had enough

There was a time when you saw across, above and under

There was a time a time that was there to stand witness

To the ruthless split of soul from right in the middle

Where you ripped out my heart and tried to burn it

You ripped out your soul and sold it

But today I put a brand new heart

Hurting aching making sure I do not forget the times

Times when you hurt me and tried to burn me like I was nothing but something that you bought in the market...

I cared for you, smiled for you cried for you just to be slapped in the face with words and that slickly sliced right in to my eye...

Making me blind

Blind enough to not see anything but only feel

so now I replaced my eyes too

In the same place so that I can see but without forgetting how you hit me...

I keep my scars open to salt so that every time you say something sweet I know its gonna hurt

There was a time when you asked me " will You always love me like this?"

I answered yes always only to know that I would be the only one loving you like this while you go into the arms of another and ask the same question over and over to another and then another

There was a time...

But time don't wait for no body and I roll with the times

I move forward in time with time but never forgetting what is behind

Ashes of my burnt heart which I gave you so willingly only to realize that you would spit in it

There was a time and that time is no more.

Just the same way that you are no more.

Just the same way that I am no more.

Wordsmith

“& I will tie your soul to my ankles,
and know what it is like to step into a dream. & you can try on my back bone
So you will know how bad it hurt the day you said you were calling it quits. I don’t remember why you left or
Why you came back, I don’t know
how many years have passed.
Not really sure years passed at all..”

—	Alysia Harris, Death Poem

It had been a while that I saw anyone new do anything that would impress me to the core make me feel something until I came across this young poet... Not only are her poems raw but when you see her perform its like you can feel what she is trying to say...

My favorite piece from my favorite new Wordsmith... Alysia Harris.

When Defence becomes Offence...

Being the hotheaded person that I am, I sometimes do not look into things as much as I should... I feel what I feel is more important because I FEEL it... Sometimes it works and sometimes it does not work as much...

Its difficult to let go of a lot of things... and love is no exception... I bare my heart on my sleeve and I am easy to see through and get through... I don't know still if that is a good thing or bad... Learning to accept things does not come naturally to me... I have always tried to steer away from many things and creating my own path rather than accepting and I also believe that nothing is impossible... No matter how hot headed I am I know that my state is not without reason but yes there are times that I see no reason... I like to keep things simple or so I thought because you keep it simple you keep it real...

Sometimes I feel like I live in my own land in my head where by now I have a flourishing career, a house nice car a great girl (the girl that I want) and even some kids only to realize that trying to realize these dreams will only make me fall flat in my face and I have fallen so many times...

There is nothing like a good reality check that shows what I have been looking at and what I have been missing out on... No one said that life would be easy or anything in life would be easy for that matter... why do I love... I don't know probably to get hurt over and over again but what if the other person is being hurt to...

As I looked down on all the pictures that I was tearing apart I also knew that I was in many ways wiping off a memory trying to put in a new slab in the same place as the old one hoping just hoping that there will be no remains of it... as my heart tore apart with the pictures me trying to fight with my emotions of love hate anger pain hurt and relief I realized that this is it I will not be able to relive these moments again...

I did slip in 2 pictures though... One where I spent dashain at her house and the other where I can only see her back none where we are together... As I went through the pictures I also realized how much I still love and ache but I also could not recognize the people in it... Were we really ever so much in love? Or Is this for me a power play? Power play trying to constantly prove to myself that I can get this girl no matter what... what was it... Maybe the idea of defeat is more painful than actually loosing the person... I don't know... but how can a relationship be like this... On Off On Off... switch off when one wants to and switch on when one wants to... also I don't think that I have ever wanted to just hate somebody so much so that I can forget... only in the end to fall even more harder in love...

In love... funny word... funny enough to hurt you like a blood sucking hound which kills its prey slowly by sucking out the blood keeping the prey still in their senses so that they know what is going on only to make the pain even more effective...

But having said all that I still have hope... Hope for myself that I will spring back in action... this is but a small dent in my head, I hope I will be able to...........................

Fill the blanks in my life which all of a sudden feels so full yet empty...

I am who I am and this is me!!!

Taking back my love

so I stand there holding the phone to my ear as I hear the girl on the other side tell me how hurt she is because I told her that I was in love with her, that I liked her more than a friend and that eventually I wanted to be with her...

Now all I could her is her telling me how hurt she is because she thought I was her best friend... and so now I ruined everything because I did not go with the flow...

"I did not go with the flow" I think that rather I went too much into the flow now to think that I did something majorly and drastically wrong by telling her that I loved her...

Ahh the matter of the heart... a gay heart none the less... but well I think we were in anyway getting too close for comfort and the gift that I get for confessing my love is being told to stand as far away possible as I could ever possibly from the person that I love because I make her feel uncomfortable...

So uncomfortable that now I cannot be in the same circle because this circle is "her" friends... and the friends oblige... what is the point of having "her" friends to be mine if they cannot call me in the same outing as she is going for the mere fact that she will feel ackward... well no one felt ackward the last time around and nothing has changed atleast not according to me... after my major confession which happened actually on friday night 24th of september and I can still be ok to come to the same party as the does ... now all of a sudden just because I said that I do love her... and its true that I do now I have to take a back seat...

And also its good to know that it was just everyone's idea because actually no one wants me there... well so much for being that friend that everyone wants me to be... I guess I am the one with a guilty conscience who well at least I think has a conscience in the first place... I know that these days everyone has their own shit to deal and I completely respect that... I do not want to be the shit that everyone has to deal with...

I think we can all be happy in out la la land although I was hurt to hear that my so called friends didn't want me there... I went straight from being on somebody's best friends list to on the hate list only because for a change I said the truth... that I fucking wanted to be with you...

I am the one who is gay here not you and when I wake up in the morning beside you kissing you its not normal for me it blurrs the lines... I hate fucking straight people who think they can do anything with you and it should be ok because they are not gay... well you should be doing that to your straight girls as well... For me being gay I still do not wake up next to a friend kissing them on the forehead or anywhere else...

Hypocritical world filled with hypocritical people... My so called friends who do not say anything to my face because they do not want to tell me anything... well to hell with all of that and more... What is so wrong with me saying I love you... and all of a sudden you try to be all sly on me dissing me in front of your man friend who is there... making a fool out of me when all that I did was just plain simple love you... that is all that I did and I wasn't even trying to create a fuss about it...

M sorry if I hurt you by saying that I love you... well I will not anymore... you can keep your share of friends who don't want me... and I will keep my life away from you... its always has been easy for you to leave me... because it almost comes naturally to you don't it...

This time around I am not going to be apologetic about anything because I give up... if you want to really sabotage everything that I have built around you and me... then so be it... I give you back your friends... your love... and your friendship... because I do finally realize that what is not convenient for you is not convenient for anyone... and I refuse to be a part of this fuss...

I am taking all that I know back!! all of it... For you have proved that you do not want a life with me in it... and why would you... you have everything and I mean nothing to you... once again bravo...

you won this round as well...

I feel what I feel and I am who I am... this is me...