Small Mercies

I lay awake in my bed for quite sometime last night even though I had already drained the battery on my cell phone and then I was thinking. Trust me that is the best thing to do these days in Kathmandu when your inverter is not working and you still have to feel the wraths of Load shedding. A line came to my mind and it went like this...

I wish there was no you

I wish there was no me

so that this thing that we have

would not be true

But then the fact remains

there is you

and then there is me

and this thing that we have

we still want it to be a lie...

How easy it is to say things, if only doing things was just as easy that is what every one keeps saying. Its funny how fate brings everything together its like there was always a plan. I guess there is always a plan but then its weird still. When I came to Kathmandu this time I was so skeptical, I had a reason to come but if I do look at it practically I had a thousand more reasons to stay back in Mumbai. But still I looked for that one small reason to make it here and I did and when I did... I did not know what to do... I seemed to be in the middle of madness but I really didn't still understand what I was doing there. But I survived... a crazy wedding, a crazy heart and the crazy pangs of sorrow and pain in my body and mind alike.

I learnt over the days that its not really necessary to be who you are not... when we love someone special friends, there is no reason for doing what we do, we just do it because we know that they need it and that it makes you feel good to be there.

One morning which started out quite in a rush I looked at my friend working tirelessly, I could see she was mentally and physically stressed... I wanted to hold her and say its okay but instead I ended up holding her hand and just looking at it and then she asked me "what?" " why are you holding my hand?"

Honestly I had no reason to.. I just held her hand because I wanted to so I said " no reason just like that" then she said there is always a reason behind everything... I wondered, is there???

I took a deep long thought into it and realised how scared people are of letting people into their zone, is it conditioning??? Sometimes I find people so difficult to understand, why can't somethings just be...

I may suck as a girlfriend but I have always been a great friend... no actually I think I am a great girlfriend too until I become insecure with myself, anyway not getting there...

There are many things that are easy, to be part of the fun the frolic... to be in love in the good times, to be a friend when you have it all... but then what about real trying times, when it gets difficult do we just leave them because we think that it is their shit and they have to deal with it.

I think one of the easiest thing for a person to do is Vanish. I have done that many a times and I do realize that I did that because these were times when I did not want to face the person sure I love them but then when trying times roll by... we always end up being busy.

I feel sad, although it does not make me unhappy just sad that despite the things that happen around us we still look for an excuse and one reason to overlook everything one has done just so we can be happy in our own world, the world that we create just so we fall flat on our face.

In my world I keep falling but then again I also have that excuse to keep getting up and going again. Thank god for small mercies.

Gratitude Attitude

Finally had managed to write this really long blog of how grateful i have of things and people that I have in my life I was trying to show my attitude with Gratitude and at that very moment the lights went out... I hate load shedding here... and even if there is load shedding I do not UNDERSTAND why the electricity keeps flickering on and off...

Anyway, Its been a long time since my last blog ... I have come to know that there are actually a lot of people who tend to read my blog... which is very nice ... but then again I also feel that I have nothing substantial to say... most of the time I am either talking or complaining about my non existent love life... but then again I do also have this side to me where I kind da enjoy all this...

I mean writing is sort of like therapy in its own way... instead of yapping away I do just sit and type...

In the past couple of days that have gone by i have actually come to think about a lot of things and also come to realize many things about myself.

For starters I realized that I can be very independent and do a lot of things by myself which at one point of time was very difficult for me I think I just kept on looking for excuses to be dependent on others and many a times I have messed up alot of things but this time surprisingly alone... Only because I messed up alot of things with my friends because of my own doings.... I can be so neurotically pathetic at times... I feel scared about being judged all the time and this fear of being judged leads me to do all sorts of neurotic things... like being extra nice... extra caring ... and extra extra in your face... and on the contrary also becoming very good at running away and dissappearing for good....

Accepting the truth is not always easy and for me blaming things on others not easy at all somehow I always ended up blaming everything on myself... and in turn hurting my heart... I used to console my self that I am not worth it and if things fall apart its fine... but now I have come to realize that it is not fine...

So far all the things that have happened in my life... I would from hence forth call it SO WHAT!!! Just because shit happened does not mean that I cannot face it or do it... I don't have to prove myself to anyone the only person I am answerable is to myself...

Yesterday was my Granpa's 3 year Death anniversary... He was the strongest man I know and I know that I have his blood in me and I swear if he made it through all that holding his head high... God Dammit I will do the same... I am not going to be or do anything that is not going to make me happy... and I swear if painting a room is gonna make me happy I will do IT... (which I did actually) hehehehe...

I will be myself hence forth... What I do, where I do and who I do anything for is no one but my business as of now... no as of always... no more explaining or complaining or whining... just being me... me me me.... M a happy me today.... :)

The Skeptical lover

As is life... we keep falling in and out of love... but what do you do when you just tend to keep falling more in love and can't get back up again... I am the skeptical lover who wants love but can't handle the truth... the one who wants to be there as a friend but can't seem to be just a friend... welcome to my world of relationships which is no less than a power play in a jungle... My jungle where I thought I was the Lion and ruled all when the perfect Lioness walked in only to prove me wrong not once not twice but for years at a row...

My current ex as I would like to call her and no my baby in India you are not my current ex you are just an ex... My current ex is a girl that I fell madly in love with and when that love was over and we tried to move on she just popped up all the time like a manhole in Delhi in the rainy season and what happens when one gets into a manhole unsuspectingly suspecting a manhole either way we get hurt...

Its funny because we know the road and we go through that route everytime but when it comes to the rainy season... we just tend to be idiots we know its there somewhere but somehow carefully we fall into it only to injure our selves either badly or just stop out selves few inches before it but either way we know that we have already got wet in the rain... that is the story of love in my non exsistent love life...

I love and I love like a maniac I do not see right and wrong I do not rationalize neither do I look for validity of the love... Like the person that I am and just the way that I like films I feel love should be larger than life because that is what brings the world around... I do not believe in mediocre love never have believed in that lifestyle either I would do anything for love... but Love needs to stop hurting me because I know that sooner or later I will reach a point when I will stop believing in it. As far as I have known myself to be ... I always thought that the only reason my relationships didn't work out was on the major part was because of me and to a certain extent with a lot of people it is true... but sometimes I think is it always necessary to blame self when it doesn't work out... there are reasons to reasons...

I remember my first girlfriend... we are naive stupid but very much in love... then she got smart said that this is wrong and moved on... I wish being gay would be simple and heart-break proof but just like any relationship this is hard and hell and especially in todays time where nothing lasts ever... love has proved to be one that takes the cake on things that don't last list of mine followed very closely by money... :)

But then again... after being part of the Drama many a times just creating the drama... crying laughing.. fighting... and everything... I still feel that have my girl around... just somewhere... and she has yet to see it ... I see it... I see a future which is incredible... first of its kind filled with love pride and family... now all I need for this dream of mine to come true is a Girl( first) and secondly a girl who is not afraid to hold my hand and not afraid to say that she is in a relationship with me...

All I ever wanted was to love without fear... and I know it will happen and for that I need a fearless girl who I can love enough to have faith that this world is fine.

I think we underestimate the people around us the world around us... I truly believe even though I am a skeptic at times... but I know the world will embrace the truth with open arms...