To make an end is to start a beginning

The first day of the year and although it looks a bit gloomy and dark outside I know this is a day to begin what I was waiting so long to start.

It's never easy to say good bye but its always easy to embrace new things and it is time to embrace and embrace whole heartedly. I forgive everyone this time around including myself who has hurt and been hurt... cried complained and laughed my heart out...

There is a feeling of joy in my heart I know that this year things are about to change and change for good. So here it is to new beginnings old friends, new friends, family and an awesome career ahead...

Happy New Year!!!

Sunshine

The other night dear, as I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms
But when I awoke, dear, I was mistaken
So I hung my head and I cried.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

I'll always love you and make you happy,
If you will only say the same.
But if you leave me and love another,
You'll regret it all some day:

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

You told me once, dear, you really loved me
And no one else could come between.
But not you've left me and love another;
You have shattered all of my dreams:

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

In all my dreams, dear, you seem to leave me
When I awake my poor heart pains.
So when you come back and make me happy
I'll forgive you dear, I'll take all the blame.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

My heart felt like the a humming bird fast as fast can be... intense and then I woke up to find what had happened only in my dreams for awhile... she was there standing in front of me asking me how I feel... Could this be real? What do you do when your hear still skips a beat... when your heart still feels the same in a way that you cannot explain.. Is this insane...

Now that could really be a thought... but could it... but then again this is a blog and who says everything that I write in this has to be true... hehehehehehe...

But yes I am super happy today and also super duper excited because just got confirmation that my entry is in.. so now I just have to wait for the verdict... I just want to be there for the festival no matter what MOFILMS.. come on I know I can break through this cycle... breathe breathe breathe... Pray pray pray... and lets home that just like my fantasy about someone showing up beside in the morning... this one comes true too...

you

Tum ho
Tum ho paas mere
Saath mere ho
Tum yun
Jitna mehsoos karoon
Utna hi paa bhi loon

Tum ho mere liye
Mere liye ho tum yun
Khud ko main haar gaya
Tum ko, tukmko main jeeta hoon

Oooh ho....
Tum ho
hmmm....
Aaah haa aa...

Kahin se kahin ko bhi
Aao bewajah chale
Poochhe bina kisi se
Hum mile

Bandishe naa rahi koi baaqi
Tum ho
Tum ho paas mere, saath mere ho
Tum yun
Jitna mehsoos karooon tumko, utna hi paa bhi loon
Ooooh hoo hoo...

Kis tarah chheenega aa mujh se ye jahaan tumhe
Tum bhi ho main
Kya fiqar ab humein

Tum ho mere liye
Mere liye ho tum yun
Khud ko main haar gaya
Tum ko, Tumko main jeeta hoon
Ooooh hoo ho...

Tum ho
Hoo aa....

There is no winning in the arena that I am in there is only being... Being there to look at what is mine... Yes away from all this there will be a field and in that field I will come hold your hand... I will see you there and look into your eyes that will be without fear or doubt look into the eyes that will only be for me... I am not afraid of the world when i look at you because its only you that I see and not the world because my world is in you...

And until that day... you will always be... just be... mine...

The emptiness of being me

Finally after days I sit down to write... SO many things have gone down in the last couple of days but I do not know where to start... My heart and mind have all been jumbled up like this huge traffic in the city where I cannot really focus on one thing because the noise is too loud and if I do want to concentrate on one thing I get distracted by the vehicles around me... This has been the state of my life and I know my life is crazier than ever...

As my mother is telling me how upset she is with me for not showing coming home in days and not informing her I am quietly in my head trying to figure out where I was 2 nights before I really have no clue.. I have no recollection and I am thinking hard I know where I was last night but I do not know where I was the night before... NO.. no idea no sign of anything in my head its blank... I really could not remember I thought to myself what the hell and then I tried to back trace my whole night.. So New Orelans, Moods, Lobsters, 1905 and then... shit no way... Fuck me! that is what I thought... not there really and then it all came back the whole conversation the whole... craziness and all of a sudden I think I need a DRINK!!!

So now this whole madness starts clicking my head and I am actually having an arguement with self with my mother still saying something to me... And then this whole noise builds up in my head like I can hear 10 voices at the same time and my head is about to explode... As the noise gets bigger and bigger I keep thinking... I go into my room and shut my eyes tight just to push out all the noise in my head... Can't get rid of it... and then something moves on my feet.. Its Simba... the noise for a moment was gone... he distracted me... I play with him for a while and I seem to forget about the noise and my want for a drink early in the morning...

Its easy to distract me I think... but I wish there was always something or someone that would pop out of no where when I get distraught like this... "Don't get carried away... Nilu Don't get Carried away... " These words keep repeating themselves in my head... like I have nothing but a record in my head playing with words.. words of you... no... words of me... or maybe just plain words...

Why do I get attached to people? I do not know why I care about people so much that I do eventually end up hurting myself... I befriend people and then once I start caring about them it just gets to me... All I thought I was doing was protecting a friend but then I guess that is not how it works in this part of the world.

I have to keep explaining myself to everyone, why can't I just care for someone without having feeling for her or having anything physical between us... but apparently this was not something that I had to tell others this was the same thing I had to tell my friend when I got upset watching her make-out with some man we hardly knew...

I was protecting her but she fired back at me saying "I am not your girlfriend that you tell me what to do and what not to do" she was right... who was I to say anything to her she had the right to do what she wanted and I had the right to do what I wanted.. but as a friend would it be so wrong for me to be protective...

I do not go home I go with her so that she does not get into trouble but then she picks a fight with me instead for trashing her for making out with some dude we just met and she has the audacity to walk out on me... leaving me at this unknown guys house and for her to just go and leave with that guy and not to forget his fuck buddy who was with him... fuck that shit... I am better than this... I admit i called her a slut but for pete's sake she was acting like one... UUUURRRGGGGHHHH......

anyway good this thing happened... I don't know what I was thinking doing all these stupid things with these girls who aren't even worth my time at the end of the day and I cant believe that I actually liked her... Uff my head needs to be examined...

And I need to lower down my alcohol intake... I do not know why but recently I have been drinking so much that every morning I wake up being sick to my stomach .. and I throw up in the morning not the night that I was drinking but in the morning I really have no control over it... and this does not happen to me at all...

I can't eat properly because I am so hungover and m not a hangover person at all... I think I am emotionally unstable or I am having too much fun either of the 2 its not cool for the time being so I m cutting down on everything and m just going to concentrate on work for the moment... I need to get back on set and sit behind the monitor and direct some good shit...

I watched "Rockstar" yesterday, my favorite director and I thought to myself as I watched the movie that this is exactly what I want to be doing and not just that... the whole thing the whole movie all of Imtiyaz's movies how I relate to them is insane... It probably is the intensity in the characters that I think I a can relate to or is it all his girls that remind of the girl that I have been in love with either way... "Rockstar" was very good but also painful at the same time... Jordan the lead characters search for pain so that he could feel something and the selfishness that he had to look for pain so that he could be like the people he idolizes was pretty crazy but the pain that he felt after looking for what he really looked for and when he got everything that he wanted his constant epiphany that he had time and again was intense...

He looked for pain and he got it and he also looked for fame and he got it... but in the end this is not what he wanted all along... can love really make a person so crazy that he could leave everything that he has and had just for that one moment that he can find in her arms and could it be that even if you are there for everything and you do not meet for so long.. your heart is still holds on to that single thread that was joined once upon a time... could it be that I could still be in love with a girl what has moved on breaking my heart several times... could it be that there is nothing I want still but to hold her one last time and just die in her arms because I do not what to be away from her... "Don't get carried away, its just a movie"

I smile... I cry.. I want... I dont.. why me... so fickle so easy to break... but so strong.. so stupid.. so wise... so calm ... so hyper why am I like this... I don't know but this is my life and this is me...

I sit down to write today but then again my head is clear... clear as in there are no thoughts in it.. or maybe there are but nothing that I want to write about.. but then this is a blog that I created .. anyway m bored i do not want to write anymore... hehheehhe

OMFG

OMFG is what happens to you when you just keep partying for almost a whole Freaking month and do not know how to get back to reality... Eh hehehehehhe

No but on the real side of the story I think I learned so much from life this past month. I do not know why I was going over and over around the same thing to just make me feel more miserable.

I got an email from a friend of mine after she read my blog.. she asked me not to be so sad amd gloomy because most of the changes that we want out life actually depends on us itself... I thought about it and it was true my friend so got married in Darjeeling and that is where all the madness started for me kept telling me all the time that if I wanted the situation in my life to change I had to be the change itself because I cannot let others or circumstances control the whole thing.

I do know for a fact that I am a pleasant person but I just had to learn to be pleasant and happy inside. It not about forgetting or forgiving others but for me it was more to do with forgiving myself and I think I just did and I emerged as a new person almost the same that I was years ago but just better.

I will not deny the fact but yes there was a certain facade that came along with me being me . But finally I think I am in that zone where I can let go of all of that just be myself. I am so blessed to have so many people around me who really do genuinely care about me that I do not know and understand why I was being so shattered trying to get attention from only one..

Its all about ease and the trust and security in yourself. These past couple of days after seeing and testing myself once again I realize that I have not lost all. The only reason why I was so upset and so grim earlier was only because I was not looking at the whole picture I was just so concentrated on one that I almost ruined my relationship with the whole wide world and her itself.

The whole partying scene and the craziness also made me realize how important I am to my friends and family and also to myself. I did everything possible this past couple of days, got drunk like crazy , laughed like crazy, hooked up with 2 girls, made amends with an old friend, didn't go home for days at the stretch, was in the same bed with... got sick to my stomach at a hotel room in Thamel, almost fainted, thought I would die, did a tripple ride on a bike all night in thamel, almost got caught by the police but still survived it all.

I think now I am more clearer on what I want to do in life and how to get about it. I am shedding finally all the luggage that I was carrying earlier from everything that had happened to me before and all that, now my bag is empty and it is time to just fill it with things what are gonna make my life worth while. I do not want to lead a meaningless life. I want to be the one who makes it happen for me.

There is so much energy in me so many new places to explore new places and new people to meet and I am not going to just sit and wait for things to happen to me. I am going to make a move and really make things happen.

Its time to be the person that I was meant to be. Be the friend that I was meant to be. Be the daughter that I was meant to be. Be the lover that I was meant to be. Be the Filmmaker that I was meant to be. Its time to be me.

Time

There was a time when we were in love

There was a time when you cared as much

There was a time when we had enough

There was a time when you saw across, above and under

There was a time a time that was there to stand witness

To the ruthless split of soul from right in the middle

Where you ripped out my heart and tried to burn it

You ripped out your soul and sold it

But today I put a brand new heart

Hurting aching making sure I do not forget the times

Times when you hurt me and tried to burn me like I was nothing but something that you bought in the market...

I cared for you, smiled for you cried for you just to be slapped in the face with words and that slickly sliced right in to my eye...

Making me blind

Blind enough to not see anything but only feel

so now I replaced my eyes too

In the same place so that I can see but without forgetting how you hit me...

I keep my scars open to salt so that every time you say something sweet I know its gonna hurt

There was a time when you asked me " will You always love me like this?"

I answered yes always only to know that I would be the only one loving you like this while you go into the arms of another and ask the same question over and over to another and then another

There was a time...

But time don't wait for no body and I roll with the times

I move forward in time with time but never forgetting what is behind

Ashes of my burnt heart which I gave you so willingly only to realize that you would spit in it

There was a time and that time is no more.

Just the same way that you are no more.

Just the same way that I am no more.

Wordsmith

“& I will tie your soul to my ankles,
and know what it is like to step into a dream. & you can try on my back bone
So you will know how bad it hurt the day you said you were calling it quits. I don’t remember why you left or
Why you came back, I don’t know
how many years have passed.
Not really sure years passed at all..”

—	Alysia Harris, Death Poem

It had been a while that I saw anyone new do anything that would impress me to the core make me feel something until I came across this young poet... Not only are her poems raw but when you see her perform its like you can feel what she is trying to say...

My favorite piece from my favorite new Wordsmith... Alysia Harris.

When Defence becomes Offence...

Being the hotheaded person that I am, I sometimes do not look into things as much as I should... I feel what I feel is more important because I FEEL it... Sometimes it works and sometimes it does not work as much...

Its difficult to let go of a lot of things... and love is no exception... I bare my heart on my sleeve and I am easy to see through and get through... I don't know still if that is a good thing or bad... Learning to accept things does not come naturally to me... I have always tried to steer away from many things and creating my own path rather than accepting and I also believe that nothing is impossible... No matter how hot headed I am I know that my state is not without reason but yes there are times that I see no reason... I like to keep things simple or so I thought because you keep it simple you keep it real...

Sometimes I feel like I live in my own land in my head where by now I have a flourishing career, a house nice car a great girl (the girl that I want) and even some kids only to realize that trying to realize these dreams will only make me fall flat in my face and I have fallen so many times...

There is nothing like a good reality check that shows what I have been looking at and what I have been missing out on... No one said that life would be easy or anything in life would be easy for that matter... why do I love... I don't know probably to get hurt over and over again but what if the other person is being hurt to...

As I looked down on all the pictures that I was tearing apart I also knew that I was in many ways wiping off a memory trying to put in a new slab in the same place as the old one hoping just hoping that there will be no remains of it... as my heart tore apart with the pictures me trying to fight with my emotions of love hate anger pain hurt and relief I realized that this is it I will not be able to relive these moments again...

I did slip in 2 pictures though... One where I spent dashain at her house and the other where I can only see her back none where we are together... As I went through the pictures I also realized how much I still love and ache but I also could not recognize the people in it... Were we really ever so much in love? Or Is this for me a power play? Power play trying to constantly prove to myself that I can get this girl no matter what... what was it... Maybe the idea of defeat is more painful than actually loosing the person... I don't know... but how can a relationship be like this... On Off On Off... switch off when one wants to and switch on when one wants to... also I don't think that I have ever wanted to just hate somebody so much so that I can forget... only in the end to fall even more harder in love...

In love... funny word... funny enough to hurt you like a blood sucking hound which kills its prey slowly by sucking out the blood keeping the prey still in their senses so that they know what is going on only to make the pain even more effective...

But having said all that I still have hope... Hope for myself that I will spring back in action... this is but a small dent in my head, I hope I will be able to...........................

Fill the blanks in my life which all of a sudden feels so full yet empty...

I am who I am and this is me!!!

Taking back my love

so I stand there holding the phone to my ear as I hear the girl on the other side tell me how hurt she is because I told her that I was in love with her, that I liked her more than a friend and that eventually I wanted to be with her...

Now all I could her is her telling me how hurt she is because she thought I was her best friend... and so now I ruined everything because I did not go with the flow...

"I did not go with the flow" I think that rather I went too much into the flow now to think that I did something majorly and drastically wrong by telling her that I loved her...

Ahh the matter of the heart... a gay heart none the less... but well I think we were in anyway getting too close for comfort and the gift that I get for confessing my love is being told to stand as far away possible as I could ever possibly from the person that I love because I make her feel uncomfortable...

So uncomfortable that now I cannot be in the same circle because this circle is "her" friends... and the friends oblige... what is the point of having "her" friends to be mine if they cannot call me in the same outing as she is going for the mere fact that she will feel ackward... well no one felt ackward the last time around and nothing has changed atleast not according to me... after my major confession which happened actually on friday night 24th of september and I can still be ok to come to the same party as the does ... now all of a sudden just because I said that I do love her... and its true that I do now I have to take a back seat...

And also its good to know that it was just everyone's idea because actually no one wants me there... well so much for being that friend that everyone wants me to be... I guess I am the one with a guilty conscience who well at least I think has a conscience in the first place... I know that these days everyone has their own shit to deal and I completely respect that... I do not want to be the shit that everyone has to deal with...

I think we can all be happy in out la la land although I was hurt to hear that my so called friends didn't want me there... I went straight from being on somebody's best friends list to on the hate list only because for a change I said the truth... that I fucking wanted to be with you...

I am the one who is gay here not you and when I wake up in the morning beside you kissing you its not normal for me it blurrs the lines... I hate fucking straight people who think they can do anything with you and it should be ok because they are not gay... well you should be doing that to your straight girls as well... For me being gay I still do not wake up next to a friend kissing them on the forehead or anywhere else...

Hypocritical world filled with hypocritical people... My so called friends who do not say anything to my face because they do not want to tell me anything... well to hell with all of that and more... What is so wrong with me saying I love you... and all of a sudden you try to be all sly on me dissing me in front of your man friend who is there... making a fool out of me when all that I did was just plain simple love you... that is all that I did and I wasn't even trying to create a fuss about it...

M sorry if I hurt you by saying that I love you... well I will not anymore... you can keep your share of friends who don't want me... and I will keep my life away from you... its always has been easy for you to leave me... because it almost comes naturally to you don't it...

This time around I am not going to be apologetic about anything because I give up... if you want to really sabotage everything that I have built around you and me... then so be it... I give you back your friends... your love... and your friendship... because I do finally realize that what is not convenient for you is not convenient for anyone... and I refuse to be a part of this fuss...

I am taking all that I know back!! all of it... For you have proved that you do not want a life with me in it... and why would you... you have everything and I mean nothing to you... once again bravo...

you won this round as well...

I feel what I feel and I am who I am... this is me...

No more compromising

So, after partying for days at a row... Aditi's Hen's night and then the reception and the freaking awesome after party... it was off to another wild night for Lisa Mukhia's hen night...

And all through this whole commotion I realized so many things like even I want to get married... I put in so much effort for everyone's wedding that I have to get married if nothing just to see what they do for me hehehehe... anyhow... it was good its been a good week... Big guy up there has been good to me so far and also... he made me realize so many things...

Like this time around I am not compromising when it comes to love... there is no point... I also realize that this kind of closeness that I have with this someone is not normal and I should not be the one who should be the one controlling my feelings and being hurt...

My girls have to realize that I am the one who is gay not them so this kind of closeness to me confuses me because i have feelings for you and if you do not have this kind of closeness to your other friends who are girls then what gives you the right to be this close to me... If you are trying to confuse me it has always worked..

After a long thought to this I finally decided to confront my demons and I told my "supposed best friend and soul mate" how I felt about this whole thing and I know that she has a boyfriend and all that but I want you to be mine... all to myself or nothing...

To which my dear friend had to say " I thought we were on the same page and you are my best friend and you are being selfish about this" ok so m selfish about this but hell yeah I am going to be selfish about it because I have had enough of being the nice friend I have feelings and I will say it... now to keep or leave is up to you.. because honestly I have enough friends I have friends who are there for me around the clock and you just being around the way that you do confuses me because I like you way too much and I hate it when people tell me you guys look so happy together and which happens more than it should...

So no more compromising from now on... if you are happy with your man then you should be with him for you, loosing me should come naturally by now... and for me... being your best friend just doesn't work anymore... I want to be more than a friend you have always said that we were "soul mates" but my darling I think you sold your soul... and I can't handle it anymore...

I want you and all of you this time or nothing... I will be more than happy to be acquaintances because with you in the picture my heart just keeps hurting and I am not hurting anymore...

this is how I feel and this is who I am ... this is me...

7 days ago

Its early morning and I wake up wake up beside someone, she sleeps with her eyes closed facing me... She looks like she is sleeping I think... but maybe she is not maybe she feels me looking at her I think she used to feel that before... and then all of a sudden I think What the hell m I doin here... I have no clue... Sometimes I think I work really hard onto hurting myself so that I can feel something...

Someone once said it's better to have loved and lost then never love at all... but after loving too many times with my heart on my sleeve I now feel like that it's better not to ever love again because I know that if nothing my love is definitely going to kill me one day.

Ever thought of blowing yourself up just so you can get rid of everything around you. That is exactly how I feel all the time. Thank god for the work around me. otherwise I would really have nothing. I have long passed the road of self sympathy so probably that is why I have so much of temper built up inside me because I do not want to have to go through all the shit that I go through. Sometimes I feel like I am through with all the hypocrisy that goes on around me... People who think they are doing the right thing supporting me... People who think that just by saying thinks like "it's ok and we completely support you" or "you're just one of the guys Nilu" is gonna make things ok well to hell with this hypocrisy because I know how you look at me... Feeling sorry hoping that I would find someone because you think I am great.... because deep down you know how difficult it is and I hate it when people think it's ok and cool to support homosexuality just because you are now in a position to do so... Tell these same people to dare to hold the hands of your partner in public and they will pee in their pants... it is s so much easier to have that bigger image just because you now hold the hand of a man whole you would hide and lie in people's faces when they asked you about a girl in your life... what I end up being is a rumor... and that cool gay girl to hang out with but never a girlfriend...

Why even bother ... Homosexuality is not a cause that has to be supported its the way of life that just has to be accepted...

And with people like the ones we have around... Dunno but hats off to the younger kids who have the guts to love the way that they do without worrying.... My heart goes out to the ones like me who will most probably end up alone because we don't want to compromise and we don't want to love no more...

I am who I am and this is me!!!

Close to closeness

It has been awhile since i last updated my blog... I feel like a lot has definitely changed since then... This month for me has been a month of realization. Although I haven't been able to update my stuff here I have definitely been writing things down so... this one is definitely going to be a super long one... Or so I think till now...

14th of Sep

Have to mention the dates because this was the day I had an epiphany I woke up literally in the morning with a strange feeling... I had a funny feeling like almost something had been missing... Sometimes I feel like I have a feeling but what kind of feeling it is I am not too sure... the feeling of being close but loosing the feeling of closeness altogether... I had a near death experience today and as I stopped because of the rain I thought of someone to call and the strangest name popped in my head, this is a name that i really hadn't thought about in awhile and the funny this was that I missed her... and I missed her a lot... this isn't fair I thought for awhile but deep inside I know that probably this was for the best, she i snow settled with someone else in Singapore and I know that, this is the best thing for her... ( I knew her long before Nepal started the craze for korean movies) she was and will always be my harajuku girl...

One thing I know for sure now is distance does not make the heart grow fonder at least not for me but as I looked at her picture staring back at me from facebook.... I tried to think of how much we both had changed she just looked like the same person I knew years ago just this time with a man by her side and I know I should feel bad but I did because she was a nice girl and she loved me very much... Different in her own was and I loved her for exactly who she was...

Although we haven't seen each other in awhile I wish nothing but happiness for you and yes once a year I think I do miss you and that day for me was today...

Sometimes distance makes sense for a lot of people but for me distance has always scared me because that has always been a reason for my girls to fall apart, sometimes I think that maybe it is me because they feel like I do not love them enough but then I realize that maybe it is not me because I know that I love them and then I realize yes its me because I am at the end of the day just a girl who no matter how hard I try will never be able to give enough love for that person to feel secure enough to hold my hand in public and the reason why this sucks is because I have to live it through every friendship, through every relationship, through every heart ache, every heart break and every time I see her with someone else...

This is how I feel because this is me...

The Vaguenes of Being

Sometimes I feel that this that I live is beyond purpose and being... because they say that you need to find your true calling to actually start living the life that one is supposed to live... Is that so... because if that is the case then my answer would be I have always lived my life from pretty much day one or that may just be pushing it but as far as I can remember I have always lived my life even as a child... :)

So here comes my question of vagueness of being... How or when do you know that you actually know what you are here for... There are so many times in life when we feel part of something and before you know it you are suddenly detached and no longer part of it... it might be a feeling that many of us can relate to... Like for example just one of the other night I was out with a bunch of friends and then you are having all this fun and you are exchanging all these details about life and all that and then all of a sudden you realize that you are the only single person in the group and then you have this epiphany that may be not just the group but the group of unknown people beside you also seem to be in pairs and then as your thoughts grow bigger you sort of start talking a bit lesser and then this feeling creeps in that you might be the only one who is actually single in the whole pub...

The only way to pacify this feeling gulp down more of that Vodka and hope that you do not make a fool out of yourself to talk too much about it and then again... too much of vodka the next thing that you realize is that now the only thing that you are talking about is you being single like getting hitched is the only purpose that you have in life... Now again the question of vagueness????

Life can be so tricky at times just when you think that you are up for work and are gonna get there, there are times and moments in between this whole feeling like timely speed breakers questioning you if this is what you really want to do... Damn this life...


You be who you be then you feel like this is not who I am supposed to be... Vagueness of being... whether its love, life or business or career....

I am who I am and this is ME

"Snow flowers" and the matters of the heart

So its finally happening we start shooting the much hyped and talked about Snow flowers well promoted as the first lesbian feature film in Nepal. I think it was just fate that I had to be part of it although I do say this time and again that it was not intentional. When the script came to me 2 years ago I wasn't sure that I wanted to come into the industry doing a movie that dealt with lesbianism especially because me being one it just seemed so... I don't know weird to just even be part of it. But then again I guess the BIG guy up there once again had different plans for me.

This whole month has been a roller coaster ride for me ... from watching a nepali movie after ages... thanks to premiere passes for the movie "K yo Maya Ho" which my friend very graciously let me have I ended up thinking as one friend of mine put it "K yo Film Ho" I did not even have the patience to sit through the end of the movie and trust me because I am a film maker I know how much goes into making a film and there are hardly any movie that I walk out of but this one did oblige me.

Having said that again I do think that there is a great future for Nepali films and I have been fortunate enough to meet some of the young and really talented film makers here and I can see the change that is going to come about. This is a good time for cinema in Nepal to change and also a good time for me to step in as well.

I am so nervous for Snow Flowers, but I do really pray and hope that this movie will make me proud. I have a lot of faith in my cinematographer so yeah all my bets are on her. This should be a good learning experience for me. I do not know how to do anything else besides movies and just to be able to get to know it better through experienced people is a boon in itself.

So the 30 days that have gone down working real hard and partying harder is about to pay off. No more time for all that nitty gritty and silly stuff of the heart although I will be updating on that soon too but because I am so tired tonight and hopefully tomorrow is not a bandh I will be back on the blog to post more of my life. because you never know what a silly idea may just create.

Its kindda crazy but this is me.

The Love Crimes of Kabul

"I am ready to die
But destiny keeps delaying my death
Even death rejects me now..."
I watched a moving documentary today... The love crimes of Kabul. This is about women who are in prison in Kabul. If half the women there are in jail for wrong doing then the other half are in jail for reasons that I feel are not reasons at all. Adultary, premarital sex, girls who ran away from abusive homes, girls who left their husband and girls who were in jail because they simply just loved.
One of the most astounding cases in this film for me was that of Samaira an 18 year old who was taken to prison from her house while she was sharing a macaroni with her boyfriend. Someone had told on them and although the tests showed that she was a virgin she was still jailed because she was accused of having the INTENTION of sex.

Seriously just when you think you have to go through so much you come across contents like this which makes me sad and grateful at the same time but how long can this go on... We as women if intended to get married to only one person in our life should at least have the right to choose that one person. Its sad that even today there are countries like this which make woman go through so much without thinking what pain it is already for most of these woman to just be born a girl.

Love is a word so hard to deal with anyway and I cannot believe that people have laws to make love seem even more wretched. This is the kind of law that protects the evil that still lurks among us... Punish those who have really committed a crime not those who try to run from a crime being committed to them.

It is so ridiculous how people even defend these things and whats even sad are the people who stand by it. How sad must their lives be ... if one cannot understand the basics of life as in wrong and right... how can that person ever call himself righteous in front of GOD...

Its just a thought and you never know what a silly thought can create.

This is my thought and this is me...

Baggage

Following my previous post and a revelation the day after... I realized how much importance we give to baggage... no matter what it is literally... whether it be emotional or just plain simple baggage...

So how healthy is baggage???

Well I guess that would depend on how healthy you are in the head... hehe... now but really how healthy can a baggage be... We sometimes so easily say that someone is not ready to be in a relationship because he or she has too much emotional baggage... WOW... heavy word there... But don't we all have baggage...

People who are married.... divorced... single or just in a relationship... baggage is something that is and will always remain there so why so we so categorize it in a box that does not do it justice... i think the weird ones would really be the ones without baggage... how sorry would if be if one did not have an experience that would change their perspective of life forever or atleast for awhile... I think that experience is worth the baggage tag...

Anyhoo... people tend to usually tag me with stuff like.. Devdas... intense... crazy... psycho (i get this a lot) but isn't that what life should be like... atleast once I think it should be all of that...

I know m not perfect... but I also know that I am not quite not normal if I wanted a normal like I would rather be born as a dosmestic cat... now that is normal and boring... but we as human beings and the only beings of the race that can think and bring logic has this utter responsibility and excuse to loose it once in a while and just like it up... well to the limit... but sometimes its just cool to be the rebel and just do things the natural way... emote... I mean if you are angry just get angry or happy just be happy without restriction...

Its the best thing about living a human life being able to express and if you supress the express part of your life... you might as well not live it at all...

Just a thought and I think thoughts no matter how random they are... are still very cooll... because you never know what a silly thought could create...


Capiche....

ME!!!!

So its been about 2 months since the last time I updated my blog... I was busy but more than that I think I did not really have a reason to update a blog that had nothing new to say...

But what do you do when the rain stops pouring and you heart stops overflowing tears of anger and anguish... all of a sudden you wake up one morning only to realize that that shooting pain in your heart is no longer there... when your chest all of a sudden seems lighter than ever before only to know that you have been empty... you have been emptied once again so that you can fill it up and again and this time you are to make sure that you fill it up just the right amount.

It amazing how you can for one moment feel like no one can ever hurt the way you are hurting... the pain that excruciating pain that you feel like you would rather die than to feel what is going on inside you because you cannot take it anymore... and just like an angel you meet another person only to realize how lucky you have been only to experience the amount of suffering that you are actually going through...

All of a sudden you feel like what you felt was actually nothing compared to this one person in front of you who had been through so much only to now stand in front of you and greet you like nothing had happened... that show of bravery with that burning pain inside and that safe smile outside makes you feel so small having complained about the shittiest of things in the moment that you have actually been complaining...

In all the 2 months that I stopped writing and just complaining how sad and passive my life is ... I realized in one moment of truth that it was actually nothing NOTHING compared to this person who sat right beside me telling me her story without a wink... just boldly telling me what she had to go through... made me realize what the FUCK was I complaining about...

When I came across the word IRIDESCENT I had unknowingly used it to describe this one certain person and now I realize that I did a wise thing... I have never met anyone who could have personified the word more for me... You have never failed to amaze me at every step of my life... I hope all that you aspire for comes true and I will live long enough to see you accomplish all that you have always wanted to a person like you deserves nothing more than to just be happy and on that note I promise... never to get so drunk that alcohol controls me... I am in control of myself.

I realize now what my purpose in life was and is... I will never stray away from being me and I will never back down on the thoughts in my head because you never know what one silly idea just might create...

In my world there is now no room for sadness or error... This is the only life I have and I will make sure that this life I will lead with my head high... never letting it stoop low or be ashamed of myself...

I am who I am and this is me...

New Family member

My son Simba arrived today, he is a pure breed Lhasa Apso, just one glance and I fell in love with him. He has the tiniest feet ever and he is just so much joy to be around and as he sleeps next to me I just look forward to all the little joy that he is going to bring in the family. This little one that I just met I know that I love him already. Welcome to the family Simba Sherpa.

Happy

In this ever so changing world of thoughts and emotions... why does one struggle to find stability when in the head somewhere we know that stability really does not exist...

hmm that now my friend is a thought world pondering upon... suddenly over the days I feel a sudden change of heart... I thought it would not be possible but somehow now my memory of things seems to be fading away as I walk into new spheres everyday. Change of heart... strong word although still very cheesy but then true...

When I was a younger I used to hate papaya I always thought that it was the worst fruit ever but these days I seem to have grown a fondness for it that I can seriously say that it is among my top 5 of fruits. I used to love watermelon it was my favourite as a child but not NOPE!!! don't seem to like it.. and the same I think has happened to my heart... Lots of changes around me and some how I think I am getting used to this new life of mine... Just have to remember that I cannot let myself go off emotionally or get too attached to people ... not that could cause some trouble... as long as a person stays sanely detached everything is ok...

Note to self: detached should not be confused with spending more time with only self... and also should learn to detach from self... this way its a balance... equal respect for self results in equal respect from others...

I am happy these days... I have learned to be happy in tiny things in life and I think that is the best thing that has come off my life in the past couple of days... People are just like seasons they change one just has to learn how to adjust with them in all seasons because all seasons aren't the same but all of them have a certain charm about it...

I feel like there is sunshine coming back into my life now... and I am grateful to everyone in my life who has made it possible... there is at the end of the day hope for all... if there is hope for me... I have never felt so reliable on my heart as I do now... because after years I think it has finally come to its senses... :)

Now its only a matter of time that I set straight all the wrongs in my life ... and the first one began from forgiving myself for all the wrongs... now its only going to be good from here on....

This is me

So, someone told me today that what they love most about me is the fact that I have this attitude of just being who I am ... Unapologetic attitude "This is me" and that is what she loves most about me...

I thought about it and then I realized that being me I have nothing to be apologetic about because that would probably be the worse thing to do to self... be apologetic for who you are... thank god I am not...

And if you are "anyone but me" (this web series that I am hooked on to...not the point here but I meant the actual phrase not the series... webiries is it called ... don't know but a nice series about teenage lezzies battling love and the likes besides having sex all the time like rabbits... I mean is that even valid... how can you be in high school and have so much sex... especially if you are not even living in a hostel... anyway I am getting way far away from the topic here... )

So if you are anyone but me you would know that ... I am a sorry ass apolegetic person actually just doing eveything wrong and trying to get things right or just feeling so effing annoyed with self that I inflict pain on self... but well this girl doensn't know what well not until she will start reading my posts... which are very vague and random.

I was thinking today that maybe I should start writing notes to self once I start to read or hear something that is interesting... note to self that should be exciting and interesting...

Note to self: Its getting hotter everyday in Kathmandu but thank god that there is still electricity and that is why I can still scribble on my blog...

that was not good note to self ...

Okay so let me talk about being Gay just the use of the word feels better than lesbian since I am the only lesbian who exists in Nepal. and no I did not say this ... this exactly what I get from people when I tell them I am lesbian.... well pretty crazy I must be to be a lezzie who has never dated or so the tiny world that I live in would like to think... or better yet think that I am doing every girl who sits in in my sight.. well that sure proves that this people have hindsight lol... no I do not date all girls who fall in front of me....

So anyway this time I have decided that i will not be dating anymore straight girls or girls who are into boys lol... I am going to be straight up... Gay...

hmmm makes sense...

Note to self: do not take calls in between writing blogs because you loose track of what you are doing.... actually what you are writing...

Shit lost track now....

Fiction 1

I open my eyes to a new day. A new day without her. I lay awake in a familiar zone with an unfamiliar feeling. The feeling of being without. What should be my next step I don't now.

"I have never really done this alone or be alone without her", I think in my head.

My phone is vibrating beside me,

"who would call me in this early hour I think, cannot be her or could it" I cannot see my phone but I can feel it.

"What a metaphor" I think again.

The phone stops vibrating. I try to shut my eyes tight like it would let the feeling fade away. I open it. The feeling is still there.

As I force myself out of my bed. I feel a thud on the floor. My phone. I pick it up.

"1 missed call"

" I hope its you" I think again.

"Mother" its says now on my display.

"Great! Now I have to call her back... Shit"

This thought seems to linger in my head.

"What did I get up for" I felt dizzy.

"Shower, Yes I need a shower badly"

I walk through my room which looks like it has been hit by a hurricane. Even as I walk through the room with tired and squinted eyes I know I can see even in the the broken pieces that lie on the floor as an aftermath of my "too much drinking habit" just the way she said it. I could feel the painful love that kept us together and apart.

Apart a funny word, apart as in far and a part as in a part of each other. This was not an easy relationship we always knew it but we said we would do it as long as we could. And we did maybe cut short time and again by many things but a very toxic love none the less.

Toxic because we destroyed each other and when that didn't work we almost destroyed ourselves.

This is me and this is my story.

One step at a time

Sometimes I don't understand how I let myself go. How I let things get so far that I do not recognise myself.

I think I was never like this but then again I do not remember myself. I feel like nothing can satisfy me I have in insatiable thirst in me which I look to quench. Quench? But what? I know that there is a thirst in me but how will I quench it when I do not know what I thirst for...

For a long part of it I thought it was because I longed for love? but is it? It took a long hard look into myself, the true me... what is it? Who am I ?

Who am I ? and then I got stuck because I really didn't know who I am. Its sad I think but then again I also know the person who is responsible, the one who has brought me to this place that I am today. I look for people and reasons to blame it on and then I looked into the mirror and found the person to be blamed for this.

Me... This is the same me that at one point of time I so prided on. I was proud of myself earlier, I knew that I would do great things in my life, I knew the purpose of being here. But today when I look into the mirror I did not recognize this person that I had become over the years.

Now I see a person who is exactly the kind of person that I never wanted to end up being. I went from being the popular girl to the girl that no one wants to hangout with. I blame no one for this but myself. The constant want and need to be wanted and needed wrecked me.

I know for a fact today that even if I die this very moment no one would be bothered or affected. The sad part is that I even think about dying.

I do not like the person that I have become today. I have always said that if I don't enjoy my own company then how can I expect others to enjoy my company.

But this me will not last long. I know for a fact that I only have 2 choices in front of me and that is either I carry on this way or I take a u turn and change my life around.

I ended up at a friends place after midnight one of these wreckless nights. I do not remember anything about that night well atleast not much of it. When I woke up in the morning I really had no idea how I ended up there. Then I realised that I had climbed a wall and jumped over it. This wall was tall and it had sharp fence on top of it so it prevents anyone from coming in.

In my drunkardness I had climbed over it tore open my jeans and jumped off it. What's the point? Because in the morning I couldn't figure out for myself how I got there. I lay awake in the sofa outside for a long time trying to recall what had happened. Then I saw my pair of shoes parked nicely outside my friend's bedroom looking dirty and desperate.

What had become of me.. I felt like that pair of shoes I looked dirty and desperate. I had no right to just barge in someone's house like that. That morning my friend wouldn't even talk to me. I tried to be as normal as I could.

I jumped into the shower as soon as I reached home and I realised that not only was my pants torn but I had bruises and cuts everywhere. Then I realised how wreckless I had become. I would have died that night for all I know. I could have slipped on the fence while climbing over it and just plunged myself in to sharp ends. As I thought about the wall I knew that I would have easily broken my leg had I landed differently. What had I done to myself. I didn't recognise myself anymore.

I can't even think of calling my friend and apologising because I have just done that too many times. I need to save myself now and I realise it. But how do I save myself? I want to I really do.

I hope that everyday I find the strength and courage in me to face myself. I don't want to run anymore. I just want my life back. One step at a time.

Wreckless

Wreckless

I am wreckless

I wish I was faceless

I wish I was heartless

Just so I would be okay with being wreckless

Drenched my blood in alcohol

Tried to soothe my soul

Dripped salt on my open wounds

Until I went numb

The numbness did not help

Stumbled across every step

Told my self I was great

Until the soul in me disappeared

I am wreckless

I wish I was faceless

I wish I was heartless

Just so I would be okay with being wreckless

Looked around

and stood alone

I felt the air

But this time it was empty

Lost in me I just failed

With my heart on my sleeve

It just pained

Until I felt wreckless

I am wreckless

I wish I was faceless

I wish I was heartless

Just so I would be okay with being wreckless

Ask and you Shall Receive!!!

Many a times I have thought... What can I do to better myself as a person as a friend as a business partner and as a lover, I keep telling myself that this time this is what I am NOT going to do, this is what I will avoid... this is what I will NOT do after I get drunk... this is what I will NOT do to her this is what I will NOT do with my money and guess what... that is exactly WHAT I DO!!!

How great is that... I and God have had this understanding till now... Ask and you Shall Receive!! that is what he told me and I have always believed in it... However as with all business deals there is always a catch... I think he has given me specific instructions for me not to ask for the one I love... because if I do that I push everything else away... and when I don't have that everything else I am pretty much useless... to me or to anyone...

I always thought I was a hopeless romantic but I think he played his trick on me and now I just think that I am a hopeless DRAMATIC!!!

Drama... good lord ... could I be able to create more drama in my life then I already have!!! Do I really need this... I don't think so... So God Damn It... I have to stop being so dramatic about everything...

I thought I really loved... But do I??? My point is... Is there a selfless kind of a love... Why is it that I feel that that big guy up there is only trying hurt me more by pulling me down in places... Fate puts us together all the time... and that is shitty... I wish he would stop playing these stupid mind games on me.... I am not even asking for love this time around... I just want to be left alone and be happy... I want to see the love of my life happy... without having to humiliate myself all the time and creating more drama when I really don't need any...

I, for many have end up being a friend of convenience and I really don't mind the feeling until I feel it... God I am asking you to not let me feel these things... If that is what you want me to end up being like then fine... I have no problem being a friend of convenience just don't make me see it... I hate that feeling of having to do so much for nothing at all... Am I complaining??? I for the life in me have no clue if I am... and even if I am who is there to listen to me... I am nothing .... I just am a nobody that people call for then they feel like they have nobody... so that makes me that nobody.... OK I think I am getting out of line again... I hate love...

No I don't hate love... I just like the thought of being like this I guess... Maybe I am a sadist... who likes the pain of being painful... I think I may have got up on the wrong side of bed today...

But I have made a pact to myself I will never ask God ( yes you... Big guy up there) Lets just stick to our deal... I will never ask you for love ever... But thank you for giving me all that I have asked for so far really... it has worked... Ask and you Shall receive... I like you God... Just do one more favor for me... never let me fall in love again...

Small Mercies

I lay awake in my bed for quite sometime last night even though I had already drained the battery on my cell phone and then I was thinking. Trust me that is the best thing to do these days in Kathmandu when your inverter is not working and you still have to feel the wraths of Load shedding. A line came to my mind and it went like this...

I wish there was no you

I wish there was no me

so that this thing that we have

would not be true

But then the fact remains

there is you

and then there is me

and this thing that we have

we still want it to be a lie...

How easy it is to say things, if only doing things was just as easy that is what every one keeps saying. Its funny how fate brings everything together its like there was always a plan. I guess there is always a plan but then its weird still. When I came to Kathmandu this time I was so skeptical, I had a reason to come but if I do look at it practically I had a thousand more reasons to stay back in Mumbai. But still I looked for that one small reason to make it here and I did and when I did... I did not know what to do... I seemed to be in the middle of madness but I really didn't still understand what I was doing there. But I survived... a crazy wedding, a crazy heart and the crazy pangs of sorrow and pain in my body and mind alike.

I learnt over the days that its not really necessary to be who you are not... when we love someone special friends, there is no reason for doing what we do, we just do it because we know that they need it and that it makes you feel good to be there.

One morning which started out quite in a rush I looked at my friend working tirelessly, I could see she was mentally and physically stressed... I wanted to hold her and say its okay but instead I ended up holding her hand and just looking at it and then she asked me "what?" " why are you holding my hand?"

Honestly I had no reason to.. I just held her hand because I wanted to so I said " no reason just like that" then she said there is always a reason behind everything... I wondered, is there???

I took a deep long thought into it and realised how scared people are of letting people into their zone, is it conditioning??? Sometimes I find people so difficult to understand, why can't somethings just be...

I may suck as a girlfriend but I have always been a great friend... no actually I think I am a great girlfriend too until I become insecure with myself, anyway not getting there...

There are many things that are easy, to be part of the fun the frolic... to be in love in the good times, to be a friend when you have it all... but then what about real trying times, when it gets difficult do we just leave them because we think that it is their shit and they have to deal with it.

I think one of the easiest thing for a person to do is Vanish. I have done that many a times and I do realize that I did that because these were times when I did not want to face the person sure I love them but then when trying times roll by... we always end up being busy.

I feel sad, although it does not make me unhappy just sad that despite the things that happen around us we still look for an excuse and one reason to overlook everything one has done just so we can be happy in our own world, the world that we create just so we fall flat on our face.

In my world I keep falling but then again I also have that excuse to keep getting up and going again. Thank god for small mercies.

Gratitude Attitude

Finally had managed to write this really long blog of how grateful i have of things and people that I have in my life I was trying to show my attitude with Gratitude and at that very moment the lights went out... I hate load shedding here... and even if there is load shedding I do not UNDERSTAND why the electricity keeps flickering on and off...

Anyway, Its been a long time since my last blog ... I have come to know that there are actually a lot of people who tend to read my blog... which is very nice ... but then again I also feel that I have nothing substantial to say... most of the time I am either talking or complaining about my non existent love life... but then again I do also have this side to me where I kind da enjoy all this...

I mean writing is sort of like therapy in its own way... instead of yapping away I do just sit and type...

In the past couple of days that have gone by i have actually come to think about a lot of things and also come to realize many things about myself.

For starters I realized that I can be very independent and do a lot of things by myself which at one point of time was very difficult for me I think I just kept on looking for excuses to be dependent on others and many a times I have messed up alot of things but this time surprisingly alone... Only because I messed up alot of things with my friends because of my own doings.... I can be so neurotically pathetic at times... I feel scared about being judged all the time and this fear of being judged leads me to do all sorts of neurotic things... like being extra nice... extra caring ... and extra extra in your face... and on the contrary also becoming very good at running away and dissappearing for good....

Accepting the truth is not always easy and for me blaming things on others not easy at all somehow I always ended up blaming everything on myself... and in turn hurting my heart... I used to console my self that I am not worth it and if things fall apart its fine... but now I have come to realize that it is not fine...

So far all the things that have happened in my life... I would from hence forth call it SO WHAT!!! Just because shit happened does not mean that I cannot face it or do it... I don't have to prove myself to anyone the only person I am answerable is to myself...

Yesterday was my Granpa's 3 year Death anniversary... He was the strongest man I know and I know that I have his blood in me and I swear if he made it through all that holding his head high... God Dammit I will do the same... I am not going to be or do anything that is not going to make me happy... and I swear if painting a room is gonna make me happy I will do IT... (which I did actually) hehehehe...

I will be myself hence forth... What I do, where I do and who I do anything for is no one but my business as of now... no as of always... no more explaining or complaining or whining... just being me... me me me.... M a happy me today.... :)

The Skeptical lover

As is life... we keep falling in and out of love... but what do you do when you just tend to keep falling more in love and can't get back up again... I am the skeptical lover who wants love but can't handle the truth... the one who wants to be there as a friend but can't seem to be just a friend... welcome to my world of relationships which is no less than a power play in a jungle... My jungle where I thought I was the Lion and ruled all when the perfect Lioness walked in only to prove me wrong not once not twice but for years at a row...

My current ex as I would like to call her and no my baby in India you are not my current ex you are just an ex... My current ex is a girl that I fell madly in love with and when that love was over and we tried to move on she just popped up all the time like a manhole in Delhi in the rainy season and what happens when one gets into a manhole unsuspectingly suspecting a manhole either way we get hurt...

Its funny because we know the road and we go through that route everytime but when it comes to the rainy season... we just tend to be idiots we know its there somewhere but somehow carefully we fall into it only to injure our selves either badly or just stop out selves few inches before it but either way we know that we have already got wet in the rain... that is the story of love in my non exsistent love life...

I love and I love like a maniac I do not see right and wrong I do not rationalize neither do I look for validity of the love... Like the person that I am and just the way that I like films I feel love should be larger than life because that is what brings the world around... I do not believe in mediocre love never have believed in that lifestyle either I would do anything for love... but Love needs to stop hurting me because I know that sooner or later I will reach a point when I will stop believing in it. As far as I have known myself to be ... I always thought that the only reason my relationships didn't work out was on the major part was because of me and to a certain extent with a lot of people it is true... but sometimes I think is it always necessary to blame self when it doesn't work out... there are reasons to reasons...

I remember my first girlfriend... we are naive stupid but very much in love... then she got smart said that this is wrong and moved on... I wish being gay would be simple and heart-break proof but just like any relationship this is hard and hell and especially in todays time where nothing lasts ever... love has proved to be one that takes the cake on things that don't last list of mine followed very closely by money... :)

But then again... after being part of the Drama many a times just creating the drama... crying laughing.. fighting... and everything... I still feel that have my girl around... just somewhere... and she has yet to see it ... I see it... I see a future which is incredible... first of its kind filled with love pride and family... now all I need for this dream of mine to come true is a Girl( first) and secondly a girl who is not afraid to hold my hand and not afraid to say that she is in a relationship with me...

All I ever wanted was to love without fear... and I know it will happen and for that I need a fearless girl who I can love enough to have faith that this world is fine.

I think we underestimate the people around us the world around us... I truly believe even though I am a skeptic at times... but I know the world will embrace the truth with open arms...

If I had just one day

If I had just one day
If I had just one word I could say
You would be on top of my wish list
Your name would be the only word on my lips

I would take your hand and sink our feet
Into to sand as we walk on the beach
It would be like two breaths and one wish
In your arms makes me believe

If I had just one day
I would just take you away
To a distant dream I have
And make you mine all the way

If I had just one word to say
It would be your name today
Hiding my face in your hair
Breathing you into the air


If I had just one day
I would like to live faraway
And not have to wake up from my dream
Like today where I wish I had just one day

Amused

There are moments like this when m drunk out of my head I really don't know how it happened had I known maybe I wouldn't have been so drunk lol...
I miss babechas she made me laugh my ass off probably in a way that I have never done in a long time and m so grateful for that..
He he he... Don't know what I would have done but yeah... I know babes you would roll your eyes but m kissing my phone's wallpaper and you know exactly why ha ha ha ... Some people will always remain with me ... In me... Literally... Kisses world... Kisses to elvish I miss thee
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Stupidity or Boldness

I woke up this morning feeling funny and ashamed at the same time... Life brings you to such situations and most of the times I realized that its my fault I attaract these things... Unwanted people... Unwanted places and unwanted attention... I can't take this crap anymore I keep telling myself this and this keeps happening to me...
Everytime I tell myself I don't want to drink anymore I end up drinking more... And then I try to remember things but I simply can't... So I hate it...
Anyway... Thinking of getting a new tattoo while m here so maybe today... Don't know how its gonna turn out but I hope that it will be all good... My mood today is pretty blah... And I wish I had a friend to understand what I m going through but then again... At times like this I have no friend...
Sad... But I had to face it alone last night and I think I did really good...
:)
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Dilli dilli dilli

so here in Delhi in west Delhi place I didn't even know existed lol...
The things one has to do to get finances flowing for their passion of cinema is quite in insane...
There are moments like this when I think I can make it but then there are times when I think what the fuck m I doing here...
In plain sight things look ok but underneath it all it is this insane kind of power play... I m the only woman on this trip and the only woman on a trip with men who keep tripping is not such a brave thing to do... Apart from the occasional getting up in the middle of a drunkard conversation and moving to your hotel room and securing all latches and lock so that you are safe... Tends to get to you at times...
But then if I don't keep myself safe who will... I also m amused with the fact that with the crew m trying to work with right now how all these men tend to bend a conversation towards sex... Despite the fact that I do not like talking about sex they keep probing me to answer their questions and Indian men do not understand silence... They will just keep on talking... So I have found a new technique to walk away away from it is literally walk away but in the middle on the conversation so that no one suspects and then just go and lock yourself up in a room... Do not ever let them know that you are leaving otherwise the whole team is gonna be after you... Drink slow get them drunk and walk away and lock... although there will be a lot of knocks and screaming and pleading for you to open the door atleast you are safe...
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Iridescent

I love the blue in you...
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Great feeling!!!!!

I woke up today feeling great... a little bit heavy on the head... too much of strong beer mixed with a shot of Vodka tends to do that to you I guess...
anyway I woke up feeling great today... had a smile on my face... didn't realize i slept with my jeans on AGAIN!!!
It funny... umm I talked to my favorite person last night... and I had been wanting to call her for awhile but I don't know I just didn't call her...
I came across a word the other night ... Iridescent... beautiful beautiful word and as soon as I heard the word I looked it up and just one name came to my mind... anyway the point that i am trying to make here is... its funny how things get connected... i found this word i told my someone about it and it google showed this really beautiful butterfly... really beautiful... oh my god m getting random again... but yeah coming back to the point....
What a beautiful beautiful day... I found a song today which obviously i would like to share...

Shoelaces untied
You can dry your eyes
Perfect shadows alive
Behind us
This is the day i make you mine

The way your hair lies
sometimes unrecognized
All the way from these today
on a train
Nothing to say if theres still time

But you are the one
I've been wating for today
And here comes the sun
That's been baiting on today

Lately i've lost my tongue
Today you found the sun
I know not long has grown
Well i thank god u came along

But you are the one
I've been waitng for today
And here comes the sun
That's been baiting on today

You looked right through me
When there was no one else
I sat beside you and became myself
Today... today

You are the one
I've been waiting for today
And here comes the sun t
Thats been baiting on today

Oh man what a beautiful song... this is going to be my wedding song I have decided... yeah when i get married... this is the song that will be playing...

I sometimes feel perfect and today is one such day... A day that I feel grateful about everything in my life... I mean I have a life that people can envy... I wake up to movies... I sleep to movies and I make movies... and i love it... if i could get married to the movies trust me I would... most of the knowledge that i have and i tend to believe that i have a pretty good IQ is only because of the movies...

i was talking to my roomie last night its her B'day tomorrow btw... never realized she is an Aquariun no wonder we get along so well .... but yeah I was talking to her and like we were talking about love and she gave me a good insight of things... but i was so drunk i kept talking about love to her so much that it actually put her to sleep...

Love can get really tricky at times I think... and sometimes when love gets too toxic we look for things and ways to pacify that... but is it really important to pacify it... why can't love just be love... and not have follow a certain pattern on norms or rules... does outer satisfaction really help to pacify what we really seek inside... the human brain is really complex this way... we see only on the surface and prefer to be happy with it... But hey that is life...

Well any which way ... m a happy person today... life at the end of it when you think of all the blessing that we have it definitely seems just the way that it is supposed to be. I m very happy with my life at the moment sure i have done aweful things but I am grateful for each and every blessing I have had and by far... I know my favorite blessing do you know yours?

Sunday size pizza

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Sunday

so what do you really do on a Sunday when you know that you have no friends to look forward to and you have nothing to do... your day is starting @1 in the afternoon and you feel too lazy to even take a shower....
if you are me in a place like mumbai and have a really good internet connection at home and you are devoid of television... well youtube to your rescue... that is exactly what i did i think i overdosed on youtube today it is true what can you not find on youtube.com its insane i think someday i will find myself as well on youtube.com (and this i mean in a spiritual way am already on youtube.com) , although its not something that i am too proud about.
So, last night in a fit of no alcohol I did stay off alcohol last night although I did try to get hold on some only to realize that it was already past 11 and you cannot order your booze @ home after 11 here in mumbai, although i have to add i have been smart enough to order mine way before hours today :) so i know its going to be a happy night.
yeah so last night in a fit of mad saneness and telling me how great i am I got on my laptop and started writing something... and I thought which was really good and then in that time and moment I realized that I am not that bad after all so I wrote on my phone and hourly reminder (thank god for blackberry"s) that i can get what i want and so today the whole day every hour my phone has been ringing to tell me .... "you can do whatever you want" and which hence led me to start my blog.
And i promise to be heartbreaking-ly honest in my account of life on this blog here on.
so after i overdosed on youtube i realized that i am super hungry so if you are me what do you do I actually went on the net and tried to find the number of joey's pizza ( i had ate my roommate's last piece that was in the fridge a couple of weeks ago in my state of drunkardness as I was trying to help 2 lovers reunite in the middle of the night... that is a whole different story all together) I never even thanked my roomie for the pizza i just stuck the box in the garbage after eating it...
so today i had this serious pang for pizza and i ordered something called the meats which is pizza that has all the meats in the world on top of them and if you are me you will order the large size because you think you can have it... and also the whole idea was i will leave a piece for my roomie... so 30 mins and Rs 475 later i had this huge pizza in my face and i didn't want to eat it anymore... but i still managed 3 pieces and stuffed the rest in the fridge... i dont know what i overdo things i think this is where i get stuck and in trouble all the time because i over do everything....
I overdo work, overdo alcohol, overdo party, over spend... over excited... over depressed when i am over happy and over love... like there is no in-between and if i don't over love... i over unlove... I just hope that i don't over blog...
So then I had to go to this obnoxious meeting where i was meeting with a financier who is interested in my short film that i am trying to make... I met him in a restaurant near my house.... lol... and as i ordered beer btw it was already almost 6:30pm by now so i thought i will have beer and as i ordered beer he asked me " are you nepali ?" and m like yeah and he is like i am from Biratnagar but i m a marwari... what the hell is that supposed to mean... anyway and always like most financiers he claimed to love my idea and is ready to shoot and he was like so who is the girl that we are using in the film...
I was like what.. the story is about children in the slums... like 7 children and one day in their life... and then he is like "I understand but I will get a heroine if i make a big film right?"
Welcome to the world of financiers in Mumbai where they always manage to tell you that they have been duped before in films and no one will talk below 50lacs ask them to shell out 50000 in one time they act like they have chilli stuck up their ass... and yes always the same question will i get the heroine....
What has the world come to... well even I want the heroine... but still I dont go around scratching my balls everywhere (thank god i don't have any but even if i did)
So after 1 pint beer 1hr of narration I came back home to my computer with super fast internet some beer and some frozen pizza beckoning me from the fridge...
It wasn't a bad Sunday after all...

Blink wink....