I think I was never like this but then again I do not remember myself. I feel like nothing can satisfy me I have in insatiable thirst in me which I look to quench. Quench? But what? I know that there is a thirst in me but how will I quench it when I do not know what I thirst for...
For a long part of it I thought it was because I longed for love? but is it? It took a long hard look into myself, the true me... what is it? Who am I ?
Who am I ? and then I got stuck because I really didn't know who I am. Its sad I think but then again I also know the person who is responsible, the one who has brought me to this place that I am today. I look for people and reasons to blame it on and then I looked into the mirror and found the person to be blamed for this.
Me... This is the same me that at one point of time I so prided on. I was proud of myself earlier, I knew that I would do great things in my life, I knew the purpose of being here. But today when I look into the mirror I did not recognize this person that I had become over the years.
Now I see a person who is exactly the kind of person that I never wanted to end up being. I went from being the popular girl to the girl that no one wants to hangout with. I blame no one for this but myself. The constant want and need to be wanted and needed wrecked me.
I know for a fact today that even if I die this very moment no one would be bothered or affected. The sad part is that I even think about dying.
I do not like the person that I have become today. I have always said that if I don't enjoy my own company then how can I expect others to enjoy my company.
But this me will not last long. I know for a fact that I only have 2 choices in front of me and that is either I carry on this way or I take a u turn and change my life around.
I ended up at a friends place after midnight one of these wreckless nights. I do not remember anything about that night well atleast not much of it. When I woke up in the morning I really had no idea how I ended up there. Then I realised that I had climbed a wall and jumped over it. This wall was tall and it had sharp fence on top of it so it prevents anyone from coming in.
In my drunkardness I had climbed over it tore open my jeans and jumped off it. What's the point? Because in the morning I couldn't figure out for myself how I got there. I lay awake in the sofa outside for a long time trying to recall what had happened. Then I saw my pair of shoes parked nicely outside my friend's bedroom looking dirty and desperate.
What had become of me.. I felt like that pair of shoes I looked dirty and desperate. I had no right to just barge in someone's house like that. That morning my friend wouldn't even talk to me. I tried to be as normal as I could.
I jumped into the shower as soon as I reached home and I realised that not only was my pants torn but I had bruises and cuts everywhere. Then I realised how wreckless I had become. I would have died that night for all I know. I could have slipped on the fence while climbing over it and just plunged myself in to sharp ends. As I thought about the wall I knew that I would have easily broken my leg had I landed differently. What had I done to myself. I didn't recognise myself anymore.
I can't even think of calling my friend and apologising because I have just done that too many times. I need to save myself now and I realise it. But how do I save myself? I want to I really do.
I hope that everyday I find the strength and courage in me to face myself. I don't want to run anymore. I just want my life back. One step at a time.
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