Gratitude Attitude

Finally had managed to write this really long blog of how grateful i have of things and people that I have in my life I was trying to show my attitude with Gratitude and at that very moment the lights went out... I hate load shedding here... and even if there is load shedding I do not UNDERSTAND why the electricity keeps flickering on and off...

Anyway, Its been a long time since my last blog ... I have come to know that there are actually a lot of people who tend to read my blog... which is very nice ... but then again I also feel that I have nothing substantial to say... most of the time I am either talking or complaining about my non existent love life... but then again I do also have this side to me where I kind da enjoy all this...

I mean writing is sort of like therapy in its own way... instead of yapping away I do just sit and type...

In the past couple of days that have gone by i have actually come to think about a lot of things and also come to realize many things about myself.

For starters I realized that I can be very independent and do a lot of things by myself which at one point of time was very difficult for me I think I just kept on looking for excuses to be dependent on others and many a times I have messed up alot of things but this time surprisingly alone... Only because I messed up alot of things with my friends because of my own doings.... I can be so neurotically pathetic at times... I feel scared about being judged all the time and this fear of being judged leads me to do all sorts of neurotic things... like being extra nice... extra caring ... and extra extra in your face... and on the contrary also becoming very good at running away and dissappearing for good....

Accepting the truth is not always easy and for me blaming things on others not easy at all somehow I always ended up blaming everything on myself... and in turn hurting my heart... I used to console my self that I am not worth it and if things fall apart its fine... but now I have come to realize that it is not fine...

So far all the things that have happened in my life... I would from hence forth call it SO WHAT!!! Just because shit happened does not mean that I cannot face it or do it... I don't have to prove myself to anyone the only person I am answerable is to myself...

Yesterday was my Granpa's 3 year Death anniversary... He was the strongest man I know and I know that I have his blood in me and I swear if he made it through all that holding his head high... God Dammit I will do the same... I am not going to be or do anything that is not going to make me happy... and I swear if painting a room is gonna make me happy I will do IT... (which I did actually) hehehehe...

I will be myself hence forth... What I do, where I do and who I do anything for is no one but my business as of now... no as of always... no more explaining or complaining or whining... just being me... me me me.... M a happy me today.... :)