Small Mercies

I lay awake in my bed for quite sometime last night even though I had already drained the battery on my cell phone and then I was thinking. Trust me that is the best thing to do these days in Kathmandu when your inverter is not working and you still have to feel the wraths of Load shedding. A line came to my mind and it went like this...

I wish there was no you

I wish there was no me

so that this thing that we have

would not be true

But then the fact remains

there is you

and then there is me

and this thing that we have

we still want it to be a lie...

How easy it is to say things, if only doing things was just as easy that is what every one keeps saying. Its funny how fate brings everything together its like there was always a plan. I guess there is always a plan but then its weird still. When I came to Kathmandu this time I was so skeptical, I had a reason to come but if I do look at it practically I had a thousand more reasons to stay back in Mumbai. But still I looked for that one small reason to make it here and I did and when I did... I did not know what to do... I seemed to be in the middle of madness but I really didn't still understand what I was doing there. But I survived... a crazy wedding, a crazy heart and the crazy pangs of sorrow and pain in my body and mind alike.

I learnt over the days that its not really necessary to be who you are not... when we love someone special friends, there is no reason for doing what we do, we just do it because we know that they need it and that it makes you feel good to be there.

One morning which started out quite in a rush I looked at my friend working tirelessly, I could see she was mentally and physically stressed... I wanted to hold her and say its okay but instead I ended up holding her hand and just looking at it and then she asked me "what?" " why are you holding my hand?"

Honestly I had no reason to.. I just held her hand because I wanted to so I said " no reason just like that" then she said there is always a reason behind everything... I wondered, is there???

I took a deep long thought into it and realised how scared people are of letting people into their zone, is it conditioning??? Sometimes I find people so difficult to understand, why can't somethings just be...

I may suck as a girlfriend but I have always been a great friend... no actually I think I am a great girlfriend too until I become insecure with myself, anyway not getting there...

There are many things that are easy, to be part of the fun the frolic... to be in love in the good times, to be a friend when you have it all... but then what about real trying times, when it gets difficult do we just leave them because we think that it is their shit and they have to deal with it.

I think one of the easiest thing for a person to do is Vanish. I have done that many a times and I do realize that I did that because these were times when I did not want to face the person sure I love them but then when trying times roll by... we always end up being busy.

I feel sad, although it does not make me unhappy just sad that despite the things that happen around us we still look for an excuse and one reason to overlook everything one has done just so we can be happy in our own world, the world that we create just so we fall flat on our face.

In my world I keep falling but then again I also have that excuse to keep getting up and going again. Thank god for small mercies.