7 days ago

Its early morning and I wake up wake up beside someone, she sleeps with her eyes closed facing me... She looks like she is sleeping I think... but maybe she is not maybe she feels me looking at her I think she used to feel that before... and then all of a sudden I think What the hell m I doin here... I have no clue... Sometimes I think I work really hard onto hurting myself so that I can feel something...

Someone once said it's better to have loved and lost then never love at all... but after loving too many times with my heart on my sleeve I now feel like that it's better not to ever love again because I know that if nothing my love is definitely going to kill me one day.

Ever thought of blowing yourself up just so you can get rid of everything around you. That is exactly how I feel all the time. Thank god for the work around me. otherwise I would really have nothing. I have long passed the road of self sympathy so probably that is why I have so much of temper built up inside me because I do not want to have to go through all the shit that I go through. Sometimes I feel like I am through with all the hypocrisy that goes on around me... People who think they are doing the right thing supporting me... People who think that just by saying thinks like "it's ok and we completely support you" or "you're just one of the guys Nilu" is gonna make things ok well to hell with this hypocrisy because I know how you look at me... Feeling sorry hoping that I would find someone because you think I am great.... because deep down you know how difficult it is and I hate it when people think it's ok and cool to support homosexuality just because you are now in a position to do so... Tell these same people to dare to hold the hands of your partner in public and they will pee in their pants... it is s so much easier to have that bigger image just because you now hold the hand of a man whole you would hide and lie in people's faces when they asked you about a girl in your life... what I end up being is a rumor... and that cool gay girl to hang out with but never a girlfriend...

Why even bother ... Homosexuality is not a cause that has to be supported its the way of life that just has to be accepted...

And with people like the ones we have around... Dunno but hats off to the younger kids who have the guts to love the way that they do without worrying.... My heart goes out to the ones like me who will most probably end up alone because we don't want to compromise and we don't want to love no more...

I am who I am and this is me!!!