Close to closeness

It has been awhile since i last updated my blog... I feel like a lot has definitely changed since then... This month for me has been a month of realization. Although I haven't been able to update my stuff here I have definitely been writing things down so... this one is definitely going to be a super long one... Or so I think till now...

14th of Sep

Have to mention the dates because this was the day I had an epiphany I woke up literally in the morning with a strange feeling... I had a funny feeling like almost something had been missing... Sometimes I feel like I have a feeling but what kind of feeling it is I am not too sure... the feeling of being close but loosing the feeling of closeness altogether... I had a near death experience today and as I stopped because of the rain I thought of someone to call and the strangest name popped in my head, this is a name that i really hadn't thought about in awhile and the funny this was that I missed her... and I missed her a lot... this isn't fair I thought for awhile but deep inside I know that probably this was for the best, she i snow settled with someone else in Singapore and I know that, this is the best thing for her... ( I knew her long before Nepal started the craze for korean movies) she was and will always be my harajuku girl...

One thing I know for sure now is distance does not make the heart grow fonder at least not for me but as I looked at her picture staring back at me from facebook.... I tried to think of how much we both had changed she just looked like the same person I knew years ago just this time with a man by her side and I know I should feel bad but I did because she was a nice girl and she loved me very much... Different in her own was and I loved her for exactly who she was...

Although we haven't seen each other in awhile I wish nothing but happiness for you and yes once a year I think I do miss you and that day for me was today...

Sometimes distance makes sense for a lot of people but for me distance has always scared me because that has always been a reason for my girls to fall apart, sometimes I think that maybe it is me because they feel like I do not love them enough but then I realize that maybe it is not me because I know that I love them and then I realize yes its me because I am at the end of the day just a girl who no matter how hard I try will never be able to give enough love for that person to feel secure enough to hold my hand in public and the reason why this sucks is because I have to live it through every friendship, through every relationship, through every heart ache, every heart break and every time I see her with someone else...

This is how I feel because this is me...