Being the hotheaded person that I am, I sometimes do not look into things as much as I should... I feel what I feel is more important because I FEEL it... Sometimes it works and sometimes it does not work as much...
Its difficult to let go of a lot of things... and love is no exception... I bare my heart on my sleeve and I am easy to see through and get through... I don't know still if that is a good thing or bad... Learning to accept things does not come naturally to me... I have always tried to steer away from many things and creating my own path rather than accepting and I also believe that nothing is impossible... No matter how hot headed I am I know that my state is not without reason but yes there are times that I see no reason... I like to keep things simple or so I thought because you keep it simple you keep it real...
Sometimes I feel like I live in my own land in my head where by now I have a flourishing career, a house nice car a great girl (the girl that I want) and even some kids only to realize that trying to realize these dreams will only make me fall flat in my face and I have fallen so many times...
There is nothing like a good reality check that shows what I have been looking at and what I have been missing out on... No one said that life would be easy or anything in life would be easy for that matter... why do I love... I don't know probably to get hurt over and over again but what if the other person is being hurt to...
As I looked down on all the pictures that I was tearing apart I also knew that I was in many ways wiping off a memory trying to put in a new slab in the same place as the old one hoping just hoping that there will be no remains of it... as my heart tore apart with the pictures me trying to fight with my emotions of love hate anger pain hurt and relief I realized that this is it I will not be able to relive these moments again...
I did slip in 2 pictures though... One where I spent dashain at her house and the other where I can only see her back none where we are together... As I went through the pictures I also realized how much I still love and ache but I also could not recognize the people in it... Were we really ever so much in love? Or Is this for me a power play? Power play trying to constantly prove to myself that I can get this girl no matter what... what was it... Maybe the idea of defeat is more painful than actually loosing the person... I don't know... but how can a relationship be like this... On Off On Off... switch off when one wants to and switch on when one wants to... also I don't think that I have ever wanted to just hate somebody so much so that I can forget... only in the end to fall even more harder in love...
In love... funny word... funny enough to hurt you like a blood sucking hound which kills its prey slowly by sucking out the blood keeping the prey still in their senses so that they know what is going on only to make the pain even more effective...
But having said all that I still have hope... Hope for myself that I will spring back in action... this is but a small dent in my head, I hope I will be able to...........................
Fill the blanks in my life which all of a sudden feels so full yet empty...
I am who I am and this is me!!!
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