The Love Crimes of Kabul

"I am ready to die
But destiny keeps delaying my death
Even death rejects me now..."
I watched a moving documentary today... The love crimes of Kabul. This is about women who are in prison in Kabul. If half the women there are in jail for wrong doing then the other half are in jail for reasons that I feel are not reasons at all. Adultary, premarital sex, girls who ran away from abusive homes, girls who left their husband and girls who were in jail because they simply just loved.
One of the most astounding cases in this film for me was that of Samaira an 18 year old who was taken to prison from her house while she was sharing a macaroni with her boyfriend. Someone had told on them and although the tests showed that she was a virgin she was still jailed because she was accused of having the INTENTION of sex.

Seriously just when you think you have to go through so much you come across contents like this which makes me sad and grateful at the same time but how long can this go on... We as women if intended to get married to only one person in our life should at least have the right to choose that one person. Its sad that even today there are countries like this which make woman go through so much without thinking what pain it is already for most of these woman to just be born a girl.

Love is a word so hard to deal with anyway and I cannot believe that people have laws to make love seem even more wretched. This is the kind of law that protects the evil that still lurks among us... Punish those who have really committed a crime not those who try to run from a crime being committed to them.

It is so ridiculous how people even defend these things and whats even sad are the people who stand by it. How sad must their lives be ... if one cannot understand the basics of life as in wrong and right... how can that person ever call himself righteous in front of GOD...

Its just a thought and you never know what a silly thought can create.

This is my thought and this is me...

ME!!!!

So its been about 2 months since the last time I updated my blog... I was busy but more than that I think I did not really have a reason to update a blog that had nothing new to say...

But what do you do when the rain stops pouring and you heart stops overflowing tears of anger and anguish... all of a sudden you wake up one morning only to realize that that shooting pain in your heart is no longer there... when your chest all of a sudden seems lighter than ever before only to know that you have been empty... you have been emptied once again so that you can fill it up and again and this time you are to make sure that you fill it up just the right amount.

It amazing how you can for one moment feel like no one can ever hurt the way you are hurting... the pain that excruciating pain that you feel like you would rather die than to feel what is going on inside you because you cannot take it anymore... and just like an angel you meet another person only to realize how lucky you have been only to experience the amount of suffering that you are actually going through...

All of a sudden you feel like what you felt was actually nothing compared to this one person in front of you who had been through so much only to now stand in front of you and greet you like nothing had happened... that show of bravery with that burning pain inside and that safe smile outside makes you feel so small having complained about the shittiest of things in the moment that you have actually been complaining...

In all the 2 months that I stopped writing and just complaining how sad and passive my life is ... I realized in one moment of truth that it was actually nothing NOTHING compared to this person who sat right beside me telling me her story without a wink... just boldly telling me what she had to go through... made me realize what the FUCK was I complaining about...

When I came across the word IRIDESCENT I had unknowingly used it to describe this one certain person and now I realize that I did a wise thing... I have never met anyone who could have personified the word more for me... You have never failed to amaze me at every step of my life... I hope all that you aspire for comes true and I will live long enough to see you accomplish all that you have always wanted to a person like you deserves nothing more than to just be happy and on that note I promise... never to get so drunk that alcohol controls me... I am in control of myself.

I realize now what my purpose in life was and is... I will never stray away from being me and I will never back down on the thoughts in my head because you never know what one silly idea just might create...

In my world there is now no room for sadness or error... This is the only life I have and I will make sure that this life I will lead with my head high... never letting it stoop low or be ashamed of myself...

I am who I am and this is me...

This is me

So, someone told me today that what they love most about me is the fact that I have this attitude of just being who I am ... Unapologetic attitude "This is me" and that is what she loves most about me...

I thought about it and then I realized that being me I have nothing to be apologetic about because that would probably be the worse thing to do to self... be apologetic for who you are... thank god I am not...

And if you are "anyone but me" (this web series that I am hooked on to...not the point here but I meant the actual phrase not the series... webiries is it called ... don't know but a nice series about teenage lezzies battling love and the likes besides having sex all the time like rabbits... I mean is that even valid... how can you be in high school and have so much sex... especially if you are not even living in a hostel... anyway I am getting way far away from the topic here... )

So if you are anyone but me you would know that ... I am a sorry ass apolegetic person actually just doing eveything wrong and trying to get things right or just feeling so effing annoyed with self that I inflict pain on self... but well this girl doensn't know what well not until she will start reading my posts... which are very vague and random.

I was thinking today that maybe I should start writing notes to self once I start to read or hear something that is interesting... note to self that should be exciting and interesting...

Note to self: Its getting hotter everyday in Kathmandu but thank god that there is still electricity and that is why I can still scribble on my blog...

that was not good note to self ...

Okay so let me talk about being Gay just the use of the word feels better than lesbian since I am the only lesbian who exists in Nepal. and no I did not say this ... this exactly what I get from people when I tell them I am lesbian.... well pretty crazy I must be to be a lezzie who has never dated or so the tiny world that I live in would like to think... or better yet think that I am doing every girl who sits in in my sight.. well that sure proves that this people have hindsight lol... no I do not date all girls who fall in front of me....

So anyway this time I have decided that i will not be dating anymore straight girls or girls who are into boys lol... I am going to be straight up... Gay...

hmmm makes sense...

Note to self: do not take calls in between writing blogs because you loose track of what you are doing.... actually what you are writing...

Shit lost track now....