The Vaguenes of Being

Sometimes I feel that this that I live is beyond purpose and being... because they say that you need to find your true calling to actually start living the life that one is supposed to live... Is that so... because if that is the case then my answer would be I have always lived my life from pretty much day one or that may just be pushing it but as far as I can remember I have always lived my life even as a child... :)

So here comes my question of vagueness of being... How or when do you know that you actually know what you are here for... There are so many times in life when we feel part of something and before you know it you are suddenly detached and no longer part of it... it might be a feeling that many of us can relate to... Like for example just one of the other night I was out with a bunch of friends and then you are having all this fun and you are exchanging all these details about life and all that and then all of a sudden you realize that you are the only single person in the group and then you have this epiphany that may be not just the group but the group of unknown people beside you also seem to be in pairs and then as your thoughts grow bigger you sort of start talking a bit lesser and then this feeling creeps in that you might be the only one who is actually single in the whole pub...

The only way to pacify this feeling gulp down more of that Vodka and hope that you do not make a fool out of yourself to talk too much about it and then again... too much of vodka the next thing that you realize is that now the only thing that you are talking about is you being single like getting hitched is the only purpose that you have in life... Now again the question of vagueness????

Life can be so tricky at times just when you think that you are up for work and are gonna get there, there are times and moments in between this whole feeling like timely speed breakers questioning you if this is what you really want to do... Damn this life...


You be who you be then you feel like this is not who I am supposed to be... Vagueness of being... whether its love, life or business or career....

I am who I am and this is ME

ME!!!!

So its been about 2 months since the last time I updated my blog... I was busy but more than that I think I did not really have a reason to update a blog that had nothing new to say...

But what do you do when the rain stops pouring and you heart stops overflowing tears of anger and anguish... all of a sudden you wake up one morning only to realize that that shooting pain in your heart is no longer there... when your chest all of a sudden seems lighter than ever before only to know that you have been empty... you have been emptied once again so that you can fill it up and again and this time you are to make sure that you fill it up just the right amount.

It amazing how you can for one moment feel like no one can ever hurt the way you are hurting... the pain that excruciating pain that you feel like you would rather die than to feel what is going on inside you because you cannot take it anymore... and just like an angel you meet another person only to realize how lucky you have been only to experience the amount of suffering that you are actually going through...

All of a sudden you feel like what you felt was actually nothing compared to this one person in front of you who had been through so much only to now stand in front of you and greet you like nothing had happened... that show of bravery with that burning pain inside and that safe smile outside makes you feel so small having complained about the shittiest of things in the moment that you have actually been complaining...

In all the 2 months that I stopped writing and just complaining how sad and passive my life is ... I realized in one moment of truth that it was actually nothing NOTHING compared to this person who sat right beside me telling me her story without a wink... just boldly telling me what she had to go through... made me realize what the FUCK was I complaining about...

When I came across the word IRIDESCENT I had unknowingly used it to describe this one certain person and now I realize that I did a wise thing... I have never met anyone who could have personified the word more for me... You have never failed to amaze me at every step of my life... I hope all that you aspire for comes true and I will live long enough to see you accomplish all that you have always wanted to a person like you deserves nothing more than to just be happy and on that note I promise... never to get so drunk that alcohol controls me... I am in control of myself.

I realize now what my purpose in life was and is... I will never stray away from being me and I will never back down on the thoughts in my head because you never know what one silly idea just might create...

In my world there is now no room for sadness or error... This is the only life I have and I will make sure that this life I will lead with my head high... never letting it stoop low or be ashamed of myself...

I am who I am and this is me...

Happy

In this ever so changing world of thoughts and emotions... why does one struggle to find stability when in the head somewhere we know that stability really does not exist...

hmm that now my friend is a thought world pondering upon... suddenly over the days I feel a sudden change of heart... I thought it would not be possible but somehow now my memory of things seems to be fading away as I walk into new spheres everyday. Change of heart... strong word although still very cheesy but then true...

When I was a younger I used to hate papaya I always thought that it was the worst fruit ever but these days I seem to have grown a fondness for it that I can seriously say that it is among my top 5 of fruits. I used to love watermelon it was my favourite as a child but not NOPE!!! don't seem to like it.. and the same I think has happened to my heart... Lots of changes around me and some how I think I am getting used to this new life of mine... Just have to remember that I cannot let myself go off emotionally or get too attached to people ... not that could cause some trouble... as long as a person stays sanely detached everything is ok...

Note to self: detached should not be confused with spending more time with only self... and also should learn to detach from self... this way its a balance... equal respect for self results in equal respect from others...

I am happy these days... I have learned to be happy in tiny things in life and I think that is the best thing that has come off my life in the past couple of days... People are just like seasons they change one just has to learn how to adjust with them in all seasons because all seasons aren't the same but all of them have a certain charm about it...

I feel like there is sunshine coming back into my life now... and I am grateful to everyone in my life who has made it possible... there is at the end of the day hope for all... if there is hope for me... I have never felt so reliable on my heart as I do now... because after years I think it has finally come to its senses... :)

Now its only a matter of time that I set straight all the wrongs in my life ... and the first one began from forgiving myself for all the wrongs... now its only going to be good from here on....

Coming out clean

So, i have always thought about writing a blog and i have given it several tries really i have but then they were just stupid blogs where i wrote under a pseudo name so that i could vent out things that i could not talk about... somehow it did make me feel good but then again it felt the same like i was writing things but no one really read it ... my blog i wish would speak to me but although i read what i wrote again and again it somehow never really helped me.
I think that was because I was not being true to myself. This is going to be a big year for me and this time i have decided to come out clean about everything that i feel without lying or being dishonest about it.
I am a 28year old film director. I never really tried hard to do anything that I did. I love the movies and I love the whole process of making it but am i really any good at it. I don't know. I till now haven't really made anything that anyone can watch... or to be more honest anything that I can say that I am proud of. I have been working on a couple of scripts forever or that is what i like to believe because i know for a fact that i haven't really been able to get past the first 5 pages so I think maybe i should just make short films since I cant get past the 5 pages of my script.
It ain't easy never has been. My mind is filled with so many things. I am a lesbian and single at the moment. Or maybe it is better to say that i have an imaginary relationship going on in my head.
For women in this part of the world it is difficult just be single at this age although i would say that a lot of it is changing i still have lots of friends who are still single but the countdown has already begun. One by one each one is going down the aisle.
I live in a world where women are just supposed to be the new age modern woman that is apparently the strong creative working individual woman but yeah in this sphere no one is gay.
I live among the best of friends who have been there for me like a solid rock and who have stoop by me even though they know I am gay that is partly because they also know that i am absolutely harmless.... he he he
hmm in the dating scene here... it gets really tricky because i get girls who are all straight and then they try to experiment or whatever they call it because they find me exciting probably because they have never really met anyone like me...
I have been in an out of a relationship as many times as one has been to the theater maybe that is a bit too much but i mean i have been in and out of a relationship many times... but who have i dated no one knows except for me and the other person and that is how we do it on this side of the globe. Its the whole don't ask don't tell thing and which now is getting a bit boring because well almost everyone know I am gay anyway I mean i look it... so I am so tired to being that exciting friend to everyone now m on a quest to find that one person who is willing to be in love with me and not afraid to let the world know... Hell even m 28 even i want to settle down and even i want to get married....
So here this is my first blog that I hope will change the world around for me... of course not is that way but yeah first attempt and finally i admit m s struggling INDEPENDENT FILM DIRECTOR and I am a LESBIAN.... coming out clean