"Snow flowers" and the matters of the heart

So its finally happening we start shooting the much hyped and talked about Snow flowers well promoted as the first lesbian feature film in Nepal. I think it was just fate that I had to be part of it although I do say this time and again that it was not intentional. When the script came to me 2 years ago I wasn't sure that I wanted to come into the industry doing a movie that dealt with lesbianism especially because me being one it just seemed so... I don't know weird to just even be part of it. But then again I guess the BIG guy up there once again had different plans for me.

This whole month has been a roller coaster ride for me ... from watching a nepali movie after ages... thanks to premiere passes for the movie "K yo Maya Ho" which my friend very graciously let me have I ended up thinking as one friend of mine put it "K yo Film Ho" I did not even have the patience to sit through the end of the movie and trust me because I am a film maker I know how much goes into making a film and there are hardly any movie that I walk out of but this one did oblige me.

Having said that again I do think that there is a great future for Nepali films and I have been fortunate enough to meet some of the young and really talented film makers here and I can see the change that is going to come about. This is a good time for cinema in Nepal to change and also a good time for me to step in as well.

I am so nervous for Snow Flowers, but I do really pray and hope that this movie will make me proud. I have a lot of faith in my cinematographer so yeah all my bets are on her. This should be a good learning experience for me. I do not know how to do anything else besides movies and just to be able to get to know it better through experienced people is a boon in itself.

So the 30 days that have gone down working real hard and partying harder is about to pay off. No more time for all that nitty gritty and silly stuff of the heart although I will be updating on that soon too but because I am so tired tonight and hopefully tomorrow is not a bandh I will be back on the blog to post more of my life. because you never know what a silly idea may just create.

Its kindda crazy but this is me.

ME!!!!

So its been about 2 months since the last time I updated my blog... I was busy but more than that I think I did not really have a reason to update a blog that had nothing new to say...

But what do you do when the rain stops pouring and you heart stops overflowing tears of anger and anguish... all of a sudden you wake up one morning only to realize that that shooting pain in your heart is no longer there... when your chest all of a sudden seems lighter than ever before only to know that you have been empty... you have been emptied once again so that you can fill it up and again and this time you are to make sure that you fill it up just the right amount.

It amazing how you can for one moment feel like no one can ever hurt the way you are hurting... the pain that excruciating pain that you feel like you would rather die than to feel what is going on inside you because you cannot take it anymore... and just like an angel you meet another person only to realize how lucky you have been only to experience the amount of suffering that you are actually going through...

All of a sudden you feel like what you felt was actually nothing compared to this one person in front of you who had been through so much only to now stand in front of you and greet you like nothing had happened... that show of bravery with that burning pain inside and that safe smile outside makes you feel so small having complained about the shittiest of things in the moment that you have actually been complaining...

In all the 2 months that I stopped writing and just complaining how sad and passive my life is ... I realized in one moment of truth that it was actually nothing NOTHING compared to this person who sat right beside me telling me her story without a wink... just boldly telling me what she had to go through... made me realize what the FUCK was I complaining about...

When I came across the word IRIDESCENT I had unknowingly used it to describe this one certain person and now I realize that I did a wise thing... I have never met anyone who could have personified the word more for me... You have never failed to amaze me at every step of my life... I hope all that you aspire for comes true and I will live long enough to see you accomplish all that you have always wanted to a person like you deserves nothing more than to just be happy and on that note I promise... never to get so drunk that alcohol controls me... I am in control of myself.

I realize now what my purpose in life was and is... I will never stray away from being me and I will never back down on the thoughts in my head because you never know what one silly idea just might create...

In my world there is now no room for sadness or error... This is the only life I have and I will make sure that this life I will lead with my head high... never letting it stoop low or be ashamed of myself...

I am who I am and this is me...

Happy

In this ever so changing world of thoughts and emotions... why does one struggle to find stability when in the head somewhere we know that stability really does not exist...

hmm that now my friend is a thought world pondering upon... suddenly over the days I feel a sudden change of heart... I thought it would not be possible but somehow now my memory of things seems to be fading away as I walk into new spheres everyday. Change of heart... strong word although still very cheesy but then true...

When I was a younger I used to hate papaya I always thought that it was the worst fruit ever but these days I seem to have grown a fondness for it that I can seriously say that it is among my top 5 of fruits. I used to love watermelon it was my favourite as a child but not NOPE!!! don't seem to like it.. and the same I think has happened to my heart... Lots of changes around me and some how I think I am getting used to this new life of mine... Just have to remember that I cannot let myself go off emotionally or get too attached to people ... not that could cause some trouble... as long as a person stays sanely detached everything is ok...

Note to self: detached should not be confused with spending more time with only self... and also should learn to detach from self... this way its a balance... equal respect for self results in equal respect from others...

I am happy these days... I have learned to be happy in tiny things in life and I think that is the best thing that has come off my life in the past couple of days... People are just like seasons they change one just has to learn how to adjust with them in all seasons because all seasons aren't the same but all of them have a certain charm about it...

I feel like there is sunshine coming back into my life now... and I am grateful to everyone in my life who has made it possible... there is at the end of the day hope for all... if there is hope for me... I have never felt so reliable on my heart as I do now... because after years I think it has finally come to its senses... :)

Now its only a matter of time that I set straight all the wrongs in my life ... and the first one began from forgiving myself for all the wrongs... now its only going to be good from here on....

Fiction 1

I open my eyes to a new day. A new day without her. I lay awake in a familiar zone with an unfamiliar feeling. The feeling of being without. What should be my next step I don't now.

"I have never really done this alone or be alone without her", I think in my head.

My phone is vibrating beside me,

"who would call me in this early hour I think, cannot be her or could it" I cannot see my phone but I can feel it.

"What a metaphor" I think again.

The phone stops vibrating. I try to shut my eyes tight like it would let the feeling fade away. I open it. The feeling is still there.

As I force myself out of my bed. I feel a thud on the floor. My phone. I pick it up.

"1 missed call"

" I hope its you" I think again.

"Mother" its says now on my display.

"Great! Now I have to call her back... Shit"

This thought seems to linger in my head.

"What did I get up for" I felt dizzy.

"Shower, Yes I need a shower badly"

I walk through my room which looks like it has been hit by a hurricane. Even as I walk through the room with tired and squinted eyes I know I can see even in the the broken pieces that lie on the floor as an aftermath of my "too much drinking habit" just the way she said it. I could feel the painful love that kept us together and apart.

Apart a funny word, apart as in far and a part as in a part of each other. This was not an easy relationship we always knew it but we said we would do it as long as we could. And we did maybe cut short time and again by many things but a very toxic love none the less.

Toxic because we destroyed each other and when that didn't work we almost destroyed ourselves.

This is me and this is my story.