Time

There was a time when we were in love

There was a time when you cared as much

There was a time when we had enough

There was a time when you saw across, above and under

There was a time a time that was there to stand witness

To the ruthless split of soul from right in the middle

Where you ripped out my heart and tried to burn it

You ripped out your soul and sold it

But today I put a brand new heart

Hurting aching making sure I do not forget the times

Times when you hurt me and tried to burn me like I was nothing but something that you bought in the market...

I cared for you, smiled for you cried for you just to be slapped in the face with words and that slickly sliced right in to my eye...

Making me blind

Blind enough to not see anything but only feel

so now I replaced my eyes too

In the same place so that I can see but without forgetting how you hit me...

I keep my scars open to salt so that every time you say something sweet I know its gonna hurt

There was a time when you asked me " will You always love me like this?"

I answered yes always only to know that I would be the only one loving you like this while you go into the arms of another and ask the same question over and over to another and then another

There was a time...

But time don't wait for no body and I roll with the times

I move forward in time with time but never forgetting what is behind

Ashes of my burnt heart which I gave you so willingly only to realize that you would spit in it

There was a time and that time is no more.

Just the same way that you are no more.

Just the same way that I am no more.

The Vaguenes of Being

Sometimes I feel that this that I live is beyond purpose and being... because they say that you need to find your true calling to actually start living the life that one is supposed to live... Is that so... because if that is the case then my answer would be I have always lived my life from pretty much day one or that may just be pushing it but as far as I can remember I have always lived my life even as a child... :)

So here comes my question of vagueness of being... How or when do you know that you actually know what you are here for... There are so many times in life when we feel part of something and before you know it you are suddenly detached and no longer part of it... it might be a feeling that many of us can relate to... Like for example just one of the other night I was out with a bunch of friends and then you are having all this fun and you are exchanging all these details about life and all that and then all of a sudden you realize that you are the only single person in the group and then you have this epiphany that may be not just the group but the group of unknown people beside you also seem to be in pairs and then as your thoughts grow bigger you sort of start talking a bit lesser and then this feeling creeps in that you might be the only one who is actually single in the whole pub...

The only way to pacify this feeling gulp down more of that Vodka and hope that you do not make a fool out of yourself to talk too much about it and then again... too much of vodka the next thing that you realize is that now the only thing that you are talking about is you being single like getting hitched is the only purpose that you have in life... Now again the question of vagueness????

Life can be so tricky at times just when you think that you are up for work and are gonna get there, there are times and moments in between this whole feeling like timely speed breakers questioning you if this is what you really want to do... Damn this life...


You be who you be then you feel like this is not who I am supposed to be... Vagueness of being... whether its love, life or business or career....

I am who I am and this is ME

"Snow flowers" and the matters of the heart

So its finally happening we start shooting the much hyped and talked about Snow flowers well promoted as the first lesbian feature film in Nepal. I think it was just fate that I had to be part of it although I do say this time and again that it was not intentional. When the script came to me 2 years ago I wasn't sure that I wanted to come into the industry doing a movie that dealt with lesbianism especially because me being one it just seemed so... I don't know weird to just even be part of it. But then again I guess the BIG guy up there once again had different plans for me.

This whole month has been a roller coaster ride for me ... from watching a nepali movie after ages... thanks to premiere passes for the movie "K yo Maya Ho" which my friend very graciously let me have I ended up thinking as one friend of mine put it "K yo Film Ho" I did not even have the patience to sit through the end of the movie and trust me because I am a film maker I know how much goes into making a film and there are hardly any movie that I walk out of but this one did oblige me.

Having said that again I do think that there is a great future for Nepali films and I have been fortunate enough to meet some of the young and really talented film makers here and I can see the change that is going to come about. This is a good time for cinema in Nepal to change and also a good time for me to step in as well.

I am so nervous for Snow Flowers, but I do really pray and hope that this movie will make me proud. I have a lot of faith in my cinematographer so yeah all my bets are on her. This should be a good learning experience for me. I do not know how to do anything else besides movies and just to be able to get to know it better through experienced people is a boon in itself.

So the 30 days that have gone down working real hard and partying harder is about to pay off. No more time for all that nitty gritty and silly stuff of the heart although I will be updating on that soon too but because I am so tired tonight and hopefully tomorrow is not a bandh I will be back on the blog to post more of my life. because you never know what a silly idea may just create.

Its kindda crazy but this is me.

The Love Crimes of Kabul

"I am ready to die
But destiny keeps delaying my death
Even death rejects me now..."
I watched a moving documentary today... The love crimes of Kabul. This is about women who are in prison in Kabul. If half the women there are in jail for wrong doing then the other half are in jail for reasons that I feel are not reasons at all. Adultary, premarital sex, girls who ran away from abusive homes, girls who left their husband and girls who were in jail because they simply just loved.
One of the most astounding cases in this film for me was that of Samaira an 18 year old who was taken to prison from her house while she was sharing a macaroni with her boyfriend. Someone had told on them and although the tests showed that she was a virgin she was still jailed because she was accused of having the INTENTION of sex.

Seriously just when you think you have to go through so much you come across contents like this which makes me sad and grateful at the same time but how long can this go on... We as women if intended to get married to only one person in our life should at least have the right to choose that one person. Its sad that even today there are countries like this which make woman go through so much without thinking what pain it is already for most of these woman to just be born a girl.

Love is a word so hard to deal with anyway and I cannot believe that people have laws to make love seem even more wretched. This is the kind of law that protects the evil that still lurks among us... Punish those who have really committed a crime not those who try to run from a crime being committed to them.

It is so ridiculous how people even defend these things and whats even sad are the people who stand by it. How sad must their lives be ... if one cannot understand the basics of life as in wrong and right... how can that person ever call himself righteous in front of GOD...

Its just a thought and you never know what a silly thought can create.

This is my thought and this is me...

Baggage

Following my previous post and a revelation the day after... I realized how much importance we give to baggage... no matter what it is literally... whether it be emotional or just plain simple baggage...

So how healthy is baggage???

Well I guess that would depend on how healthy you are in the head... hehe... now but really how healthy can a baggage be... We sometimes so easily say that someone is not ready to be in a relationship because he or she has too much emotional baggage... WOW... heavy word there... But don't we all have baggage...

People who are married.... divorced... single or just in a relationship... baggage is something that is and will always remain there so why so we so categorize it in a box that does not do it justice... i think the weird ones would really be the ones without baggage... how sorry would if be if one did not have an experience that would change their perspective of life forever or atleast for awhile... I think that experience is worth the baggage tag...

Anyhoo... people tend to usually tag me with stuff like.. Devdas... intense... crazy... psycho (i get this a lot) but isn't that what life should be like... atleast once I think it should be all of that...

I know m not perfect... but I also know that I am not quite not normal if I wanted a normal like I would rather be born as a dosmestic cat... now that is normal and boring... but we as human beings and the only beings of the race that can think and bring logic has this utter responsibility and excuse to loose it once in a while and just like it up... well to the limit... but sometimes its just cool to be the rebel and just do things the natural way... emote... I mean if you are angry just get angry or happy just be happy without restriction...

Its the best thing about living a human life being able to express and if you supress the express part of your life... you might as well not live it at all...

Just a thought and I think thoughts no matter how random they are... are still very cooll... because you never know what a silly thought could create...


Capiche....

ME!!!!

So its been about 2 months since the last time I updated my blog... I was busy but more than that I think I did not really have a reason to update a blog that had nothing new to say...

But what do you do when the rain stops pouring and you heart stops overflowing tears of anger and anguish... all of a sudden you wake up one morning only to realize that that shooting pain in your heart is no longer there... when your chest all of a sudden seems lighter than ever before only to know that you have been empty... you have been emptied once again so that you can fill it up and again and this time you are to make sure that you fill it up just the right amount.

It amazing how you can for one moment feel like no one can ever hurt the way you are hurting... the pain that excruciating pain that you feel like you would rather die than to feel what is going on inside you because you cannot take it anymore... and just like an angel you meet another person only to realize how lucky you have been only to experience the amount of suffering that you are actually going through...

All of a sudden you feel like what you felt was actually nothing compared to this one person in front of you who had been through so much only to now stand in front of you and greet you like nothing had happened... that show of bravery with that burning pain inside and that safe smile outside makes you feel so small having complained about the shittiest of things in the moment that you have actually been complaining...

In all the 2 months that I stopped writing and just complaining how sad and passive my life is ... I realized in one moment of truth that it was actually nothing NOTHING compared to this person who sat right beside me telling me her story without a wink... just boldly telling me what she had to go through... made me realize what the FUCK was I complaining about...

When I came across the word IRIDESCENT I had unknowingly used it to describe this one certain person and now I realize that I did a wise thing... I have never met anyone who could have personified the word more for me... You have never failed to amaze me at every step of my life... I hope all that you aspire for comes true and I will live long enough to see you accomplish all that you have always wanted to a person like you deserves nothing more than to just be happy and on that note I promise... never to get so drunk that alcohol controls me... I am in control of myself.

I realize now what my purpose in life was and is... I will never stray away from being me and I will never back down on the thoughts in my head because you never know what one silly idea just might create...

In my world there is now no room for sadness or error... This is the only life I have and I will make sure that this life I will lead with my head high... never letting it stoop low or be ashamed of myself...

I am who I am and this is me...

New Family member

My son Simba arrived today, he is a pure breed Lhasa Apso, just one glance and I fell in love with him. He has the tiniest feet ever and he is just so much joy to be around and as he sleeps next to me I just look forward to all the little joy that he is going to bring in the family. This little one that I just met I know that I love him already. Welcome to the family Simba Sherpa.

Happy

In this ever so changing world of thoughts and emotions... why does one struggle to find stability when in the head somewhere we know that stability really does not exist...

hmm that now my friend is a thought world pondering upon... suddenly over the days I feel a sudden change of heart... I thought it would not be possible but somehow now my memory of things seems to be fading away as I walk into new spheres everyday. Change of heart... strong word although still very cheesy but then true...

When I was a younger I used to hate papaya I always thought that it was the worst fruit ever but these days I seem to have grown a fondness for it that I can seriously say that it is among my top 5 of fruits. I used to love watermelon it was my favourite as a child but not NOPE!!! don't seem to like it.. and the same I think has happened to my heart... Lots of changes around me and some how I think I am getting used to this new life of mine... Just have to remember that I cannot let myself go off emotionally or get too attached to people ... not that could cause some trouble... as long as a person stays sanely detached everything is ok...

Note to self: detached should not be confused with spending more time with only self... and also should learn to detach from self... this way its a balance... equal respect for self results in equal respect from others...

I am happy these days... I have learned to be happy in tiny things in life and I think that is the best thing that has come off my life in the past couple of days... People are just like seasons they change one just has to learn how to adjust with them in all seasons because all seasons aren't the same but all of them have a certain charm about it...

I feel like there is sunshine coming back into my life now... and I am grateful to everyone in my life who has made it possible... there is at the end of the day hope for all... if there is hope for me... I have never felt so reliable on my heart as I do now... because after years I think it has finally come to its senses... :)

Now its only a matter of time that I set straight all the wrongs in my life ... and the first one began from forgiving myself for all the wrongs... now its only going to be good from here on....

This is me

So, someone told me today that what they love most about me is the fact that I have this attitude of just being who I am ... Unapologetic attitude "This is me" and that is what she loves most about me...

I thought about it and then I realized that being me I have nothing to be apologetic about because that would probably be the worse thing to do to self... be apologetic for who you are... thank god I am not...

And if you are "anyone but me" (this web series that I am hooked on to...not the point here but I meant the actual phrase not the series... webiries is it called ... don't know but a nice series about teenage lezzies battling love and the likes besides having sex all the time like rabbits... I mean is that even valid... how can you be in high school and have so much sex... especially if you are not even living in a hostel... anyway I am getting way far away from the topic here... )

So if you are anyone but me you would know that ... I am a sorry ass apolegetic person actually just doing eveything wrong and trying to get things right or just feeling so effing annoyed with self that I inflict pain on self... but well this girl doensn't know what well not until she will start reading my posts... which are very vague and random.

I was thinking today that maybe I should start writing notes to self once I start to read or hear something that is interesting... note to self that should be exciting and interesting...

Note to self: Its getting hotter everyday in Kathmandu but thank god that there is still electricity and that is why I can still scribble on my blog...

that was not good note to self ...

Okay so let me talk about being Gay just the use of the word feels better than lesbian since I am the only lesbian who exists in Nepal. and no I did not say this ... this exactly what I get from people when I tell them I am lesbian.... well pretty crazy I must be to be a lezzie who has never dated or so the tiny world that I live in would like to think... or better yet think that I am doing every girl who sits in in my sight.. well that sure proves that this people have hindsight lol... no I do not date all girls who fall in front of me....

So anyway this time I have decided that i will not be dating anymore straight girls or girls who are into boys lol... I am going to be straight up... Gay...

hmmm makes sense...

Note to self: do not take calls in between writing blogs because you loose track of what you are doing.... actually what you are writing...

Shit lost track now....

Fiction 1

I open my eyes to a new day. A new day without her. I lay awake in a familiar zone with an unfamiliar feeling. The feeling of being without. What should be my next step I don't now.

"I have never really done this alone or be alone without her", I think in my head.

My phone is vibrating beside me,

"who would call me in this early hour I think, cannot be her or could it" I cannot see my phone but I can feel it.

"What a metaphor" I think again.

The phone stops vibrating. I try to shut my eyes tight like it would let the feeling fade away. I open it. The feeling is still there.

As I force myself out of my bed. I feel a thud on the floor. My phone. I pick it up.

"1 missed call"

" I hope its you" I think again.

"Mother" its says now on my display.

"Great! Now I have to call her back... Shit"

This thought seems to linger in my head.

"What did I get up for" I felt dizzy.

"Shower, Yes I need a shower badly"

I walk through my room which looks like it has been hit by a hurricane. Even as I walk through the room with tired and squinted eyes I know I can see even in the the broken pieces that lie on the floor as an aftermath of my "too much drinking habit" just the way she said it. I could feel the painful love that kept us together and apart.

Apart a funny word, apart as in far and a part as in a part of each other. This was not an easy relationship we always knew it but we said we would do it as long as we could. And we did maybe cut short time and again by many things but a very toxic love none the less.

Toxic because we destroyed each other and when that didn't work we almost destroyed ourselves.

This is me and this is my story.