Wordsmith

“& I will tie your soul to my ankles,
and know what it is like to step into a dream. & you can try on my back bone
So you will know how bad it hurt the day you said you were calling it quits. I don’t remember why you left or
Why you came back, I don’t know
how many years have passed.
Not really sure years passed at all..”

—	Alysia Harris, Death Poem

It had been a while that I saw anyone new do anything that would impress me to the core make me feel something until I came across this young poet... Not only are her poems raw but when you see her perform its like you can feel what she is trying to say...

My favorite piece from my favorite new Wordsmith... Alysia Harris.

When Defence becomes Offence...

Being the hotheaded person that I am, I sometimes do not look into things as much as I should... I feel what I feel is more important because I FEEL it... Sometimes it works and sometimes it does not work as much...

Its difficult to let go of a lot of things... and love is no exception... I bare my heart on my sleeve and I am easy to see through and get through... I don't know still if that is a good thing or bad... Learning to accept things does not come naturally to me... I have always tried to steer away from many things and creating my own path rather than accepting and I also believe that nothing is impossible... No matter how hot headed I am I know that my state is not without reason but yes there are times that I see no reason... I like to keep things simple or so I thought because you keep it simple you keep it real...

Sometimes I feel like I live in my own land in my head where by now I have a flourishing career, a house nice car a great girl (the girl that I want) and even some kids only to realize that trying to realize these dreams will only make me fall flat in my face and I have fallen so many times...

There is nothing like a good reality check that shows what I have been looking at and what I have been missing out on... No one said that life would be easy or anything in life would be easy for that matter... why do I love... I don't know probably to get hurt over and over again but what if the other person is being hurt to...

As I looked down on all the pictures that I was tearing apart I also knew that I was in many ways wiping off a memory trying to put in a new slab in the same place as the old one hoping just hoping that there will be no remains of it... as my heart tore apart with the pictures me trying to fight with my emotions of love hate anger pain hurt and relief I realized that this is it I will not be able to relive these moments again...

I did slip in 2 pictures though... One where I spent dashain at her house and the other where I can only see her back none where we are together... As I went through the pictures I also realized how much I still love and ache but I also could not recognize the people in it... Were we really ever so much in love? Or Is this for me a power play? Power play trying to constantly prove to myself that I can get this girl no matter what... what was it... Maybe the idea of defeat is more painful than actually loosing the person... I don't know... but how can a relationship be like this... On Off On Off... switch off when one wants to and switch on when one wants to... also I don't think that I have ever wanted to just hate somebody so much so that I can forget... only in the end to fall even more harder in love...

In love... funny word... funny enough to hurt you like a blood sucking hound which kills its prey slowly by sucking out the blood keeping the prey still in their senses so that they know what is going on only to make the pain even more effective...

But having said all that I still have hope... Hope for myself that I will spring back in action... this is but a small dent in my head, I hope I will be able to...........................

Fill the blanks in my life which all of a sudden feels so full yet empty...

I am who I am and this is me!!!

Taking back my love

so I stand there holding the phone to my ear as I hear the girl on the other side tell me how hurt she is because I told her that I was in love with her, that I liked her more than a friend and that eventually I wanted to be with her...

Now all I could her is her telling me how hurt she is because she thought I was her best friend... and so now I ruined everything because I did not go with the flow...

"I did not go with the flow" I think that rather I went too much into the flow now to think that I did something majorly and drastically wrong by telling her that I loved her...

Ahh the matter of the heart... a gay heart none the less... but well I think we were in anyway getting too close for comfort and the gift that I get for confessing my love is being told to stand as far away possible as I could ever possibly from the person that I love because I make her feel uncomfortable...

So uncomfortable that now I cannot be in the same circle because this circle is "her" friends... and the friends oblige... what is the point of having "her" friends to be mine if they cannot call me in the same outing as she is going for the mere fact that she will feel ackward... well no one felt ackward the last time around and nothing has changed atleast not according to me... after my major confession which happened actually on friday night 24th of september and I can still be ok to come to the same party as the does ... now all of a sudden just because I said that I do love her... and its true that I do now I have to take a back seat...

And also its good to know that it was just everyone's idea because actually no one wants me there... well so much for being that friend that everyone wants me to be... I guess I am the one with a guilty conscience who well at least I think has a conscience in the first place... I know that these days everyone has their own shit to deal and I completely respect that... I do not want to be the shit that everyone has to deal with...

I think we can all be happy in out la la land although I was hurt to hear that my so called friends didn't want me there... I went straight from being on somebody's best friends list to on the hate list only because for a change I said the truth... that I fucking wanted to be with you...

I am the one who is gay here not you and when I wake up in the morning beside you kissing you its not normal for me it blurrs the lines... I hate fucking straight people who think they can do anything with you and it should be ok because they are not gay... well you should be doing that to your straight girls as well... For me being gay I still do not wake up next to a friend kissing them on the forehead or anywhere else...

Hypocritical world filled with hypocritical people... My so called friends who do not say anything to my face because they do not want to tell me anything... well to hell with all of that and more... What is so wrong with me saying I love you... and all of a sudden you try to be all sly on me dissing me in front of your man friend who is there... making a fool out of me when all that I did was just plain simple love you... that is all that I did and I wasn't even trying to create a fuss about it...

M sorry if I hurt you by saying that I love you... well I will not anymore... you can keep your share of friends who don't want me... and I will keep my life away from you... its always has been easy for you to leave me... because it almost comes naturally to you don't it...

This time around I am not going to be apologetic about anything because I give up... if you want to really sabotage everything that I have built around you and me... then so be it... I give you back your friends... your love... and your friendship... because I do finally realize that what is not convenient for you is not convenient for anyone... and I refuse to be a part of this fuss...

I am taking all that I know back!! all of it... For you have proved that you do not want a life with me in it... and why would you... you have everything and I mean nothing to you... once again bravo...

you won this round as well...

I feel what I feel and I am who I am... this is me...

No more compromising

So, after partying for days at a row... Aditi's Hen's night and then the reception and the freaking awesome after party... it was off to another wild night for Lisa Mukhia's hen night...

And all through this whole commotion I realized so many things like even I want to get married... I put in so much effort for everyone's wedding that I have to get married if nothing just to see what they do for me hehehehe... anyhow... it was good its been a good week... Big guy up there has been good to me so far and also... he made me realize so many things...

Like this time around I am not compromising when it comes to love... there is no point... I also realize that this kind of closeness that I have with this someone is not normal and I should not be the one who should be the one controlling my feelings and being hurt...

My girls have to realize that I am the one who is gay not them so this kind of closeness to me confuses me because i have feelings for you and if you do not have this kind of closeness to your other friends who are girls then what gives you the right to be this close to me... If you are trying to confuse me it has always worked..

After a long thought to this I finally decided to confront my demons and I told my "supposed best friend and soul mate" how I felt about this whole thing and I know that she has a boyfriend and all that but I want you to be mine... all to myself or nothing...

To which my dear friend had to say " I thought we were on the same page and you are my best friend and you are being selfish about this" ok so m selfish about this but hell yeah I am going to be selfish about it because I have had enough of being the nice friend I have feelings and I will say it... now to keep or leave is up to you.. because honestly I have enough friends I have friends who are there for me around the clock and you just being around the way that you do confuses me because I like you way too much and I hate it when people tell me you guys look so happy together and which happens more than it should...

So no more compromising from now on... if you are happy with your man then you should be with him for you, loosing me should come naturally by now... and for me... being your best friend just doesn't work anymore... I want to be more than a friend you have always said that we were "soul mates" but my darling I think you sold your soul... and I can't handle it anymore...

I want you and all of you this time or nothing... I will be more than happy to be acquaintances because with you in the picture my heart just keeps hurting and I am not hurting anymore...

this is how I feel and this is who I am ... this is me...

7 days ago

Its early morning and I wake up wake up beside someone, she sleeps with her eyes closed facing me... She looks like she is sleeping I think... but maybe she is not maybe she feels me looking at her I think she used to feel that before... and then all of a sudden I think What the hell m I doin here... I have no clue... Sometimes I think I work really hard onto hurting myself so that I can feel something...

Someone once said it's better to have loved and lost then never love at all... but after loving too many times with my heart on my sleeve I now feel like that it's better not to ever love again because I know that if nothing my love is definitely going to kill me one day.

Ever thought of blowing yourself up just so you can get rid of everything around you. That is exactly how I feel all the time. Thank god for the work around me. otherwise I would really have nothing. I have long passed the road of self sympathy so probably that is why I have so much of temper built up inside me because I do not want to have to go through all the shit that I go through. Sometimes I feel like I am through with all the hypocrisy that goes on around me... People who think they are doing the right thing supporting me... People who think that just by saying thinks like "it's ok and we completely support you" or "you're just one of the guys Nilu" is gonna make things ok well to hell with this hypocrisy because I know how you look at me... Feeling sorry hoping that I would find someone because you think I am great.... because deep down you know how difficult it is and I hate it when people think it's ok and cool to support homosexuality just because you are now in a position to do so... Tell these same people to dare to hold the hands of your partner in public and they will pee in their pants... it is s so much easier to have that bigger image just because you now hold the hand of a man whole you would hide and lie in people's faces when they asked you about a girl in your life... what I end up being is a rumor... and that cool gay girl to hang out with but never a girlfriend...

Why even bother ... Homosexuality is not a cause that has to be supported its the way of life that just has to be accepted...

And with people like the ones we have around... Dunno but hats off to the younger kids who have the guts to love the way that they do without worrying.... My heart goes out to the ones like me who will most probably end up alone because we don't want to compromise and we don't want to love no more...

I am who I am and this is me!!!

Close to closeness

It has been awhile since i last updated my blog... I feel like a lot has definitely changed since then... This month for me has been a month of realization. Although I haven't been able to update my stuff here I have definitely been writing things down so... this one is definitely going to be a super long one... Or so I think till now...

14th of Sep

Have to mention the dates because this was the day I had an epiphany I woke up literally in the morning with a strange feeling... I had a funny feeling like almost something had been missing... Sometimes I feel like I have a feeling but what kind of feeling it is I am not too sure... the feeling of being close but loosing the feeling of closeness altogether... I had a near death experience today and as I stopped because of the rain I thought of someone to call and the strangest name popped in my head, this is a name that i really hadn't thought about in awhile and the funny this was that I missed her... and I missed her a lot... this isn't fair I thought for awhile but deep inside I know that probably this was for the best, she i snow settled with someone else in Singapore and I know that, this is the best thing for her... ( I knew her long before Nepal started the craze for korean movies) she was and will always be my harajuku girl...

One thing I know for sure now is distance does not make the heart grow fonder at least not for me but as I looked at her picture staring back at me from facebook.... I tried to think of how much we both had changed she just looked like the same person I knew years ago just this time with a man by her side and I know I should feel bad but I did because she was a nice girl and she loved me very much... Different in her own was and I loved her for exactly who she was...

Although we haven't seen each other in awhile I wish nothing but happiness for you and yes once a year I think I do miss you and that day for me was today...

Sometimes distance makes sense for a lot of people but for me distance has always scared me because that has always been a reason for my girls to fall apart, sometimes I think that maybe it is me because they feel like I do not love them enough but then I realize that maybe it is not me because I know that I love them and then I realize yes its me because I am at the end of the day just a girl who no matter how hard I try will never be able to give enough love for that person to feel secure enough to hold my hand in public and the reason why this sucks is because I have to live it through every friendship, through every relationship, through every heart ache, every heart break and every time I see her with someone else...

This is how I feel because this is me...

The Vaguenes of Being

Sometimes I feel that this that I live is beyond purpose and being... because they say that you need to find your true calling to actually start living the life that one is supposed to live... Is that so... because if that is the case then my answer would be I have always lived my life from pretty much day one or that may just be pushing it but as far as I can remember I have always lived my life even as a child... :)

So here comes my question of vagueness of being... How or when do you know that you actually know what you are here for... There are so many times in life when we feel part of something and before you know it you are suddenly detached and no longer part of it... it might be a feeling that many of us can relate to... Like for example just one of the other night I was out with a bunch of friends and then you are having all this fun and you are exchanging all these details about life and all that and then all of a sudden you realize that you are the only single person in the group and then you have this epiphany that may be not just the group but the group of unknown people beside you also seem to be in pairs and then as your thoughts grow bigger you sort of start talking a bit lesser and then this feeling creeps in that you might be the only one who is actually single in the whole pub...

The only way to pacify this feeling gulp down more of that Vodka and hope that you do not make a fool out of yourself to talk too much about it and then again... too much of vodka the next thing that you realize is that now the only thing that you are talking about is you being single like getting hitched is the only purpose that you have in life... Now again the question of vagueness????

Life can be so tricky at times just when you think that you are up for work and are gonna get there, there are times and moments in between this whole feeling like timely speed breakers questioning you if this is what you really want to do... Damn this life...


You be who you be then you feel like this is not who I am supposed to be... Vagueness of being... whether its love, life or business or career....

I am who I am and this is ME